"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to." - N. Smith

I don't know who N. Smith is, but he/she is right. Being reactive is the surest way to lose my own control over my feelings, thoughts, words and the situation. My reality becomes whatever the situation dictates.

O.K. That was a nice bit of reflection for this morning. Now what do I do for the rest of the day? I can't imagine living like this...unemployed...with no direction, focus, purpose or meaning. I don't know how I was an airforce wife for 13 years without cracking up. I guess I stayed busy having and raising babies and going to school. Speaking of school. WHY didn't I get a degree in something that would make me more employable?! I'm too old to go back now...at least I think I am. Maybe I should check it out and see if my bachelors and masters degrees could translate to another profession in a short amount of time. There. I've found a worthy task.

The Church Lady

It's Sunday and I just woke-up. I woke at the crack of dawn, but figured with the time change I had extra time to snooze so I did. As if when and how long I snooze matters when I have *nothing* to hang my time to now that I'm unemployed. It's an absolutely georgeous day outside. I knew it would be last night as I sat out back and gazed at the abundance of stars in the sky.

I think I'm not as good at being self-differentiated as I'd thought I was becoming. I've just been noticing lately that some of the things I say are not what I want to have come out of me. For example - I had a great opportunity for restoring a non-relationship and what I said was..."all I ask that you do is...blah, blah, blah." As if I have a right to ask anything of anybody and especially *this* person!

I remember a lady from my childhood who used to drive me bananas. She was so bossy, controlling and pushy about what she thought was the right way for our family to do things. She saw my blind, widowed mother as someone incapable of running her own life or raising us kids well. I couldn't stand this woman! My mom got frustrated with her too, but kept telling me I should be more patient because "she means well" - my mom was a saint. Anyway - I'm seeing some of Mrs. R. in myself today and I don't like it. Not one bit. To think that I have "church lady" characteristics just makes my stomach turn.

What does the phrase uva uvam vivendo varia fit mean?

The Latin phrase that appears on the Hat Creek Cattle Company sign in "Lonesome Dove" is a garbled corruption, and there's no direct translation. It derives from the scholia to Juvenal 2.81 which cites the proverb "uva uvam videndo varia fit" This means something like "a grape changes color [i.e., ripens] when it sees [another] grape"
Novelist Larry McMurtry probably intentionally misused the Latin, perhaps to make a point about Augustus McCrae's tenuous understanding of the language.
From there, any number of interpretations have arisen to explain why McMurtry chose to communicate that particular idea. Probably the soundest theory is that the phrase serves as a metaphor for the group's journey, as many of the story's characters go through a process of personal maturation and development. Much like grapes ripen in the presence of others.

from: the Southwest Collections at Southwest Texas State University. [see link]http://www.library.txstate.edu/swwc/ld/ldex081a1.html

Hmm, well the story tells us that Gus chose it because he liked the way it looked and it 'fit' the space he had on his sign. He doesn't know the translation, but apparently McMurtry did when he used it. It seems quite apropos to the story and to life in general, eh? Don't we all "ripen" in the presence of others. Quite a statement in support of being in community. Of course we sometimes "sour" in the presence of others as well. .sigh.

Cardinals take it.

It coulda been us. It coulda...it shoulda...but I know some fine Card fans and I'm glad for them none-the-less. It was fun while it lasted. .sigh. Shucky darn.

Job Search

I just got another email from the Austin Cancer Center who is keeping me "on-hold" about the chaplain position. This is going into the fourth week of waiting. Apparently they have another chaplain traveling to interview next week. He or she speaks Spanish fluently. Although she keeps saying that the Spanish isn't as important as the right chaplain, her actions state clearly that they are not going to give up until they find a Spanish speaking chaplain. I just wish they would have posted that in the add so I wouldn't have bothered.

I read an article last week about a study showing that folks who are fired over the age of 50 have an increased risk of stroke or heart-attack due to the bleak logistics of finding other employment. As if I needed anymore risk factors.

I applied for an "Information Rep" position at Lockheed Martin this morning. It sounds like something my experience and education could generalize to.

It's raining today in Austin. It's raining today in my heart, mind and soul.

I think I'll start reading "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry. It's a Pulitzer Prize-Winning novel and seems to be a favorite of many people. I heard the movie was good too. I'm glad I didn't see it...yet. It's a good thick novel which should keep my mind busy for a while.

Go, Tigers!

I am just so thrilled that The Tigers won the AL Pennant this year! I can't believe I missed it! It's not like I've been busy or anything! They are kickin' some butt in Detroit tonight in Game two of the World Series. I have such fond memories of going to EVERY single home game one year with Betty Burns. That same year I also flew to New York and watched my team beat the Yankees on their own turf. It was exciting. This makes me soooo homesick. As if the recent Autumn colors didn't do it already. Gone from MI for 27 years and I still miss is so much. I never thought I wouldn't go home again. :(

The Rolling Stones are playing right now too - at Zilker Park in Austin, TX. It's the place I call home today and it is a nice enough town. The live music capital of the world and very cool. It reminds me of Ann Arbor, MI in so many ways. Anyway, I didn't get tickets to see the Stones and that broke my heart. My daughter's best friend is there. She doesn't even know who the Rolling Stones *are* much less have an appreciation for their music. Although, I'm sure she'll enjoy the excitement of being there with a bunch of old hippies that are groovin' to the tunes.

I gotta watch my Tigers take it on through anyway. :)

Talking to a Squirrel

It's Saturday morning and I wouldn't know today from the last 21 days of unemployment. I feel like I'm going crazy. I was just outside on the back porch. Not a soul awake in the hood. I found myself talking, out-loud, to a squirrel who is chattering in the trees. I am losing it.

I signed the severance agreement so can't 'discuss' my firing anymore. At least I'll have enough money to pay the rent on the first of November. Then...who knows?

I need to find a need in my city and go fill-it. With the holidays coming up there will be ample opportunity to serve others. I'm such a social person and I feel myself just shrinking from the lonliness.

I feel a major pity-party comin' on and I don't want to go there. I must find a way to keep it together and survive this #&@ situation with grace and dignity.

Texas Work Commission

They just called me asking questions about my unemployment claim. Things I had already answered. They're supposedly still working on making a determination. My "employer" has not responded to their inquiries. HR told me they would not 'fight' a claim. Basically they *know* this was a wrongful firing. I just can't find an attorney willing to help me. Oh, wait. Sure there's a ton of them who will if I give them more money, up-front, than I could probably win in a court settlement. I could probably win a tidy sum, but I just don't know if I have the "fight" in me.

All I wanted to do was my job...providing ministry to dying people. All I did wrong was being a middle-aged female who didn't sufficiently 'entertain' the young, 20 something, blond- bubblehead as she did almost NOTHING at the office but play with water guns and remote control trucks. It's crazy what this girl is being allowed to get by with. No professionalism. No compassion for the mission. No sense of what a chaplain does and no concern about it.

Unemployment

SUCKS! Just went to HEB with some charity gift cards. I'm truly grateful for the food. However, I feel like I'm going to totally lose my mind. I'm feeling like selling just about everything I own so I can squeeze myself into a small apartment and just hybernate for the rest of my life.

BABY 'O BABY! Oh, great. My life just gets easier and easier all the time...NOT! It seems I'm going to be a grandmother. We're pretty sure that my daughter, Laura, is pregnant. She's 18 years old; has not graduated from highschool yet; and is not married, of course. My nappy-headed grandchild should be due on or about my daughter's father's birthday. Happy birthday, Grandpa. Won't *he* be thrilled to find out *this* peice of news.

God be with us.

Six Months Later

I know I'm losing my mind dribble by dribble. I did not even remember setting this blog up. Good grief.

Anyway. Life has changed. It always seems to do so fairly drastically from one six month period to the next. I am presently unemployed. Fired by a 20 something, bubblehead who wanted a cute, young, male chaplain to work with instead of this middle-aged woman. I wish I could ... oh, I don't know. Revenge wouldn't get my job back. :(

I'm really, really, really in a bad funk today. :(

Another Month another FU.

It's the first of the month again. Seems like they just keep comin' regardless of what anybody thinks, ya know? Just found out that my husband, in fact, DID leave me and the kids for his former wife. I suspected it all throughout the six years we were married. She kept calling and he would "get involved" in things having to do with her children (not his). I confronted her once and she obviously became more determined to "get-him-back" and she did just that. I should have fought the divorce and gotten a better settlement. He just walked away scott-clear. Ugh.

The Unfairness' in Life.

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." ~Hubert Humphrey

Oh, Hubert. I don't know what inspired this quote, but it kind of speaks to my day. It's been a hard, emotional day. Spent the morning with my precious, handsome, smart, sweet 23 year old son at the eye doctor. He had to go through extensive testing for social security disability supplimental income. The doctor said some really stupid things to us. I know that even doctors don't know how to 'act' at such injustice in life. He was totally uncomfortable with this beautiful young man facing a life of blindness. I understand that. However, he's still my baby and the whole damn thing just absolutely breaks his heart and mine. I cried so hard once I dropped him off at home and went to work. Helpless. I feel completely and totally helpless to comfort him. I'd take the eye disease away from him in a heartbeat if only I could. He's furious with God. He's furious with life. He's just plain furious. My biggest prayer is that his anger will soon begin to mobilize him and not continue to be inner directed. To say again that life just isn't fair seems too feeble a statement.

Reflection on memory, time and place.

I feel somewhat better today. I'm not real sure what's wrong with me. It was good to see LM yesterday and yet...he didn't remember most of the history we have together. It made me feel very sad.

Today I recognize how precious each and every minute is and the fact that each moment is the only present reality that we truly have in this life. Things change so quickly inside and outside. People come and they go. Our own mindset is the only thing that really can make a difference in our happiness, success and opportunities.

I feel very grateful for my life even with it's ups and downs and all arounds. TBTG!

The Church and Me

Had a good meeting with my presbyterial representative this morning. It was good to see him. Although his health doesn't look good at all. He's pushing 80 now and has had heart attacks, strokes and now may have prostate cancer! He said he would do everything possible to help me get another church if that is what I want. I told him I'm happy as a hospice chaplain. My denomination is simply not ready for women in the pulpit. There's no point in my trying to bang my head against the same brick wall again.

Had a nice talk with my 23 year old son today who said that it is truly amazing what I've done. He says he was too young to really remember it all clearly, but recognizes that I accomplished nothing short of a miracle in getting my ordination in this branch of the church. He said he's proud of me for the work I do now in hospice and that I've transcended the church by being more about God than the church. There is a lot to what he says, but I still need the church as my authority to do ministry. It just hurts to be so close and yet so far away.

My faith is strong and I feel grateful for my work and the ministry that God has given to me. I know this life is about human existence and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my beliefs in things eternal. I also know it will all go by like a flash. It seems like only yesterday that I was the new kid on the block and LM (my breakfast mate) was the vibrant and present authority. Now he looks so old and beat down from the pressures of ministry. I'm probably better off not ever trying to serve as pastor of a church again and yet the thought just makes me want to weep.

...Lord make me an instrument...let me console rather than wish to be consoled...

TGIF and thoughts on HOSPICE

Not a very original title, but man am I glad it's Friday. It's been a long week of death, death, and more death. I suppose I'm "getting used" to doing hospice work in nursing homes, but I don't like it. They're like holding pens for the most part. I know there isn't much of an alternative sometimes and I did use one for my own mum, but I just wish there was another way that was available to most people.

I suspect they're getting somewhat better in general with the population aging. Mayhap we demand more? Mayhap we're coming to realize that the "Boomers" will be there soon and we'd better make improvements now? I dunno. Maybe this new paradigm, which I'm a part of, is the answer. Having hospice inside the facilities does add an extra layer of care, more eyes, more hands and more individualized attention. Maybe I'm actually a part of the answer. Now there's a comforting thought.

I wish my mom had been on hospice. I'm not even sure they had it in the area where she was back then. I didn't know about it anyway. Hopefully people are being educated about it. I'm being tasked for community education on the topic. I've already done some and have a lot on my upcoming schedule. I think I need to really think about it in terms of how to better design the right 'clips' of information for presentation to make a real difference. It is evolving as I speak. I need to get more involved in the community hospice sharing groups so I stay on the cutting edge.

My daughter got her drivers license this morning. She was very good about letting me give her guidance about the areas the first test-person downgraded her on. I'm proud of the way she is maturing.

I'm starting to get that old itch to go back to school again. I can either do an DMin or a PhD or even another Masters degree. After seminary was over I thought I'd NEVER want to go back again. I think the DMin would make the most sense. However, it's the 'where' I have to consider. I will not go back to the seminary from which I graduated. Austin Presbyterian Theological is an excellent seminary and I'm glad to have my degree from there. However, I was caught in the middle of some serious growing pains and my children and I were treated like DIRT while I was a student. The last time I went onto campus I came close to having a real live panic attack. I had to leave a workshop and haven't stepped back on campus since. There is always the Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest which is also excellent. They offer a Masters in Pastoral Counseling which might be very good for me to consider. That way I could take the state exams and hang a shingle if I wanted to. Menh. We'll see.

The Musings In Me

Oh, great. My daughter is reading my blog. So much for a place to rant. :(

Negative Nellie

I have a tension/sinus headache last night and this morning. It is indicative of the stress I'm feeling. My daughter is driving me nuts. I so cannot wait until she moves out.

Now I understand why everyone is moving to blogville. Freedom of speech. It looks like CK is pondering their use of editing somewhat. However, I do think the blogspot is probably the better way to go when the need to let loose and express oneself hits the fan.

Anyway, I'd so dearly love to be alone on the beach someplace with no kids, no boss, no co-workers, no bills, no housework, no laundry, no neighbors, no nothing. I need a vacation from my life. Seriously.

A Week Later

I've somewhat recovered from the gang-fight in my front yard last week. Trying very hard to forgive all involved and believe that we will live in peace from here on out.

"Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation."-- William H. Sheldon

That is profound to me. I honestly don't know if I will EVER be without reservations about anyone or anything. It seems to be a hardwire in my personality. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism I have created over time or if it's a maladjustment or what. Although, I do NOT have reservations about my calling. However, there have been times when I have wondered about regret - but not really "regret". It's more a thought of "what would my life be like had I not taken-up my calling?" and then there are moments when I've just looked heavenward and asked: "What were you thinking?"

A quote from the blog of DSNYDER:"You do what you do, and then you trust others to move beyond where you had the vision to go. I am grateful for talented, committed young people entering ministry."

What an awesome statement. Having gone into ordained ministry in my 40's I don't have the sense about what he is saying either way. I'm too old to be considered a young person entering ministry and I'm old enough to be fully aware of the burgeoning enthusiasm that my younger colleagues have over me. Hmmm, now that is truly food for my thinking.It's been a tough week for me due to the above moments in ministry. Let me explain. I have been so blatantly discriminated against by men in ministry (at the point that D is) that it has rather stunned me. Hmmm, dare I go on?

We have eight nursing facilities. There are about six male chaplains who have been serving them full-time for several years. Our companies are owned by men of faith and they take pride in providing on-site spiritual care to their residents. Well...when they decided to create a new paradigm in hospice care, by starting up their own hospice company, they originally thought that they would simply use the same chaplains that are in the facilities for the hospice part. It was not a workable idea given the logistical need for a chaplain to be present at certain points in the business of hospice. Trying to organize that would be like herding cats. So...they created a position for me.

The 'boys' were NOT happy when I was hired. For one thing - there went their opportunity to double-dip into pay for work they'd already be there providing anyway. For another reason there was confusion, on their part, as to what function I would have in general and specifically as to whether or not I would have authority over them given that the new company was a corporate "baby". I worked double duty trying to calm their ire and explain that we were just colleagues with the same populations to serve. I mean I worked hard to attempt healing and reconciliation. They would have NO part of it.

I was bold in telling them that I would appreciate an invitation to the weekly chaplain meetings. I was told point blank that I was not invited and that I needed to find a group of 'hospice' chaplains to meet with. They have gone out of their way - several times - to make me feel unwelcome and unwanted in their world.

We hired another chaplain to serve the Temple area and he happens to be a young man in his 30s. Now. He has been on board for two weeks. I spent the first week training him and then this week has been all about taking him to each facility to introduce him to all the key people including the chaplains. One of them dissed me so big that even this young man was shocked. He could see that it was directed at me and it was harsh. On Thursday he reported to me that he has been given small gifts of welcome AND the key to the facility chaplain offices with an invitation to make himself at home. He has been invited to the weekly group and welcomed to "the team" as well as invited to the monthly chaplain lunches!The young man giggled and stated it is a "gender thing" as if it was/is o.k.!! He announced to our group that he has no problem being a GOB (good ole' boy) and that we could just call him GOD!! He was kidding, of course, but I'm not laughing.

My mind is saying over and over that this is NOT about me...this is not about me......this is.....hurtful........this just plain bites.

Sunday Slug-fest

The day of rest and I did. Slept very late and enjoyed it. Had some odd dreams about eye glasses. I had about five pair and none of them seemed to help me see correctly. I was on some kind of special, congressional team of voters to decide something very important. There was a military captain who was my brother. He had no education and the concern was that he would make bad decisions about a particular peice of legislative regulation. No clue. Maybe I'm not seeing something that I need a better focus on? Tom T. was in the dream too and he was pissed about the issue. He and I were trying to go to dinner to talk about it and various family members, who had multiple birth children, were delaying us by handing me babies. There was a man who was driving us around town and it became clear that he was 'assigned' to keep watch on my movements until the committee met. I received a phone call from someone reminding me that I had to have my drivers license to identify myself when it came time to vote. They were concerned about my address and last name being up to date.

Dreams...the gateway to the unconsious. Maybe I'll use this blog as a dream journal among other things.

It's Sunday and I've not done my weekend chores. Need to mop floors and I definitely need to go for a good walk. I simply HAVE to get back onto the exercise routine.

Later: Just walked for ten minutes. It's better than nothing. Trying to walk off my adrenalyn. Apparently the boys two doors down are in the "Bloods" gang. My daughter's boyfriend is black. He was over this morning with two of his cousins and one of their girlfriends. One of the cousins was wearing a red dew-rag and a red tee-shirt. They went outside to get something out of their car and the gang down the street walked over and started yelling and throwing beer bottles at my kids. I tried to get them to leave, but they wouldn't. They jumped my daughter's boyfriend and his cousin. I ran into the house to call the police and the girlfriend tried to defend her boyfriend. The thugs punched her in the mouth and grabbed a stick and started beating her. They split her head wide open, blood everywhere. The police finally arrived after the boys drove away. I got their licence number and we filed a report. The girlfriend will be pressing charges. GREAT! Now I have to live here for three more months until my lease is up. SHIT!

Blog, blog, blog.

It's all I hear these days so here I am. My tip-toe into blogdom. I'm not sure how or why this is different than CK's blog to everyone, but perhaps I'll find out.

Today was totally unsuccessful in weight-lossville. I suck. I ate too much (double the calories I was supposed to have) and didn't move my butt at all. Oh, sure...a romp down the aisles of Walmart to buy a blender. Pushing the cart cannot be considered use of exercise equipment. I suck.

Son number two just arrived to do laundry so I'm logging off to visit with him. He is my laughter. I need some.