LOVE

Ah, now there's a topic I'm bound to come back to many times before this particular entry is complete. Just read the words of someone on a forum:

Love is a choice we make.
Yes, there MUST be fundamental compatibility,
mutual interests, mutual respect, if you are lucky initial infatuation,
however, day in day out, we make choices that either maintain and grow
or starve and kill love for another person, and their love for us.

Love is much much more about who we are,
than about who our mate is.

I really liked what this says. I consider myself to be a lifelong student of love. Not that I have been particularly successful in grasping it for my own life in terms of a partner, but a student none-the-less.

I remember being put into a high school counseling group for chronic skippers of classes. Mr. Bill Riccobono was the graduate student leading it for his field work. He didn't say goodbye to me when his term was up, but left me a handwritten note saying something like "LOVE, you just have to want it enough to be willing to work for it." Well, I sure want it enough and seem to work hard at it. It just isn't easy when the object of our affection isn't willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to make it work.

I don't think I've ever given-up too easily. In fact, I've stayed far longer in most relationships than I probably should have. I have a tenacity that seems like it would lend itself to allowing the relationship and the other person to evolve and yet...love still eludes me. I can't count the number of times I've attempted a relationship and been taken for granted and then once I finally give-up the man begs me to come back. I cannot c.o.u.n.t. the times that has happened to me.

I don't know how to change whatever it is that allows them to keep playing with my heart until it's broken and shattered and hope is lost. I know I have a HUGE part in it. I guess I just don't stand-up strong enough for myself and what I want - or maybe I just do it wrong? I don't know.

That's all for now, but I'm certain I'll be back to this before too long.

"The conclusion is always the same: love is the most powerful and still the most unknown energy in the world." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Deadbeats and Dirtbags

My life is filled with them right now and I need to CLEAR them out. May God and the universe align to help me. Now. Amen.

Money Makes the World Go Around

I am believing for renewed prosperity in my life - financially; mentally; physically; emotionally and spiritually. So be it. Amen.

Just got home from Half Price Bookstore. Bought 5 books. The other three books in the "Lonesome Dove" Series by Larry McMurtry - "Dead Man's Walk"; "Comanche Moon"; and "Streets of Laredo". I also got two books on how to survive a breakup - "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and "The Heartbreak Handbook". Of course the three McMurtry books are part of my plan. Pathetic, eh? Try as I do, love continues to elude me. :-(

Ugh

That flu shot is still kickin' my butt. I feel so exhausted and achy. Going to bed early - which is desireable to me anyway as my life is just too blah right now to stay awake. :-(

Flu Shot

Got my flu shot yesterday. It wiped me out for 12 hours, but I feel nice and rested this morning. I'm so grateful to get that shot each year. It has made all the difference for me. I used to get soooo sick, at least once per season and sometimes twice, from the flu. Now I breeze on thru, TBTG.

Worked all day at the hospital yesterday and will go in four hours today. It is messing with my unemployment, but I'd rather be doing ministry than sitting around collecting bucks. I love my work soooo much.

I applied for another hospice position. Never did hear back from the lady at the Cancer Center. You'd think she'd have enough courtesy to inform me one way or the other. Maybe that's why she kept putting me off...maybe she just doesn't have the strength to say "sorry" and no. She didn't seem like a weenee to me though. Who knows. She was so generous with praise and compliments though...maybe it was all an act. People. .sigh.

Now, on with the day.

Commitment

"Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too." - W.H. Murray, The Story of Everest

Ah, yes...there it is. Without commitment there is no way for challenges to be overcome. Without commitment there is no way a relationship is going to work out. Without commitment there is no way for the future to move forward into the direction stated. Period.

Alfred Adler:
"We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited."

Rollo May:
"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step
would carry us clear through them." -- Brendan Francis [Behan] (1923-1964) Irish Author

Conflict Management

I have so many resources to consult on this topic and yet it just continues to elude me - interpersonal conflict - especially and specifically with partners. I remember the frustration of conflict due to perspective and perception that occurred when the kids' dad was just home from Desert Storm. We got a serious lesson in power and aggression (from our beloved government) and how it can destroy lives. It does the same thing in interpersonal relationships too and that is so very, very sad.

One person sees it one way and the other sees it another way. I guess the only way for progress to be made is if both parties can use a modicum of maturity and self-control to hear the other and attempt to find common ground, understanding and accommodation. If there is no foundation of love with commitment - this will not occur, of course.

There *has* to be a firm and true commitment and desire for a relationship to last. There has to be a willingness to overcome adversity and overcome obstacles...together. There has to be a willingness to be together and stay together until the situation/s are resolved...unless there is a personality disorder in one of the parties which makes resolution short-lived until the next conflict, which was the case in my first marriage. Maybe it is the hurt that is inflicted during conflict which erodes the desire to continue to struggle together. I think it's the struggle for power and control and the tools one chooses to use in order to accomplish the perceived win that can destroy. In these cases it's a lose/lose proposition - in personal relationships. :-(

I am beginning to think it is important that a couple be similar enough in educational background and experience to make a go of it. At least I think this is true in older folks trying to couple. There is just so much baggage that both bring into the relationship and in order to communicate on as many levels as possible...I'm starting to think equal education is imperative. The basic elements of the educational process which includes learning how to think critically, keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions are important tools.

This is clearly a task that I am trying to grapple with. I plan to start reading the literature I have on my shelves again to see if I can generalize the - business, congregational, et al - "conflict resolution" theories to personal relationships and see if I can't learn something that might be of use to me before I go forward into the wilderness of dating again. I have studied this with regard to human relationship in my school work and with life experience - but maybe I need to approach it from a different perspective and see if I can gain some insight that could be useful to me and a potential partner - should I be blessed with one again before I die.

Back in the Saddle

er...back in the pulpit. It feels good. I've missed it. It's a tiny little congregation with about 40 members. Only half of them attend right now. Apparently their most recent pastor "offended" a bunch. It happens. Too easily. Anyway, I'm only pulpit supply until the end of the year so it should be a nice honeymoon period to celebrate the holidays in. It will be interesting to see if the others come back.

I'm flirting with the idea of taking a lazy Sunday afternoon nap. I'm tired. Got up waaaay too early thanks to my son's dern cat who was slamming bathroom cupboard doors; scratching at the carpet by the door and meowing loudly. Not sure what the little ratfink wanted really. I was ready to open the window and toss him out into the backyard. I wouldn't do that, of course. But, I felt like it.

I work at the hospital again all day tomorrow. The day went really fast last Thursday - so much death - so many needs. Whew. I was draggin' by the time 5:00 p.m. came round. Renewed some aquaintances from the last time I filled in for Amy. That was nice. Would that she'd hire me for the part-time position that is kind of open. It's presently on freeze, but should be open again soon. Maybe...

ZEN

No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease. - Dogen

A bit of Zen wisdom to start my day. I think the clouds are fixin' to clear and the winds are getting less intense. They're still with me, but as each day comes I feel a little more at peace. TBTG.

I'm going to finish reading "Lonesome Dove" and I hate to see it end. It's such a good book. So interesting, so deep, so well written. Nothin' better than a good peice of literature in my mind.

I feel calm, if a little weak yet. It's o.k. I've a roof over my head and enough food to eat. Goodness knows I've got enough clothing to wear as my overflowing laundry hamper will attest to. It's all good in one way or another.

Movement on the Job Front

I just got a call from the chaplain at the hospital asking me to cover some days for her this month AND I just got an email from the little church in Taylor that has expressed an interest in calling me to serve there. They want me to be pulpit supply until the end of the year! That means I get to celebrate Christmas in liturgical leadership again!! Woo Hoo! What an early Christmas present this is for me. I am so excited. It could, indeed, turn into an official call in the New Year! I would be double ordained since the PCUSA would have to receive me into their presbytery in order for me to serve this congregation.

Well, I guess I'll be spending another holiday season alone. It's kind of like my life is going full circle. I suppose that's the way it is for me. I remember the Christmas when I was totally alone in my apartment when I was 20 something. It wasn't such a bad time. I do enjoy my own company and for that I'm grateful. Maybe I'll meet someone nice in the coming year. This was a prayer that a lovely lady sent to me today:

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU...Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they will not" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2006), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down. I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message"... God smiled and answered ... Request granted.

HOPE [In Japanese]

"Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." - Satchel Paige

This quote might suggest that I keep my hopes up for a job in chaplaincy. In Austin there are about 3 chaplain jobs for every 35 ordained persons seeking them. And those three job openings don't happen too frequently. It's a tough market. I dunno what to do. I am applying for "other" positions in random fields that I think my experience and education could generalize to. So far, nothing. This sucks.

At least Amy called yesterday to have me fill-in for her at the hospital a couple days doing chaplaincy and then for several half-days formulating advance directives. Also, Mark called to have me fill his pulpit at the end of November. So I still get to keep my "feet-wet" as it were. Thanks be to God for that.

HOPE

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope." -- Alexander Dumas

"Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness and captivity would, without this comfort, be insupportable." -- Samuel Johnson

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope." -- Martin Luther

"A leader is a dealer in hope." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to." - N. Smith

I don't know who N. Smith is, but he/she is right. Being reactive is the surest way to lose my own control over my feelings, thoughts, words and the situation. My reality becomes whatever the situation dictates.

O.K. That was a nice bit of reflection for this morning. Now what do I do for the rest of the day? I can't imagine living like this...unemployed...with no direction, focus, purpose or meaning. I don't know how I was an airforce wife for 13 years without cracking up. I guess I stayed busy having and raising babies and going to school. Speaking of school. WHY didn't I get a degree in something that would make me more employable?! I'm too old to go back now...at least I think I am. Maybe I should check it out and see if my bachelors and masters degrees could translate to another profession in a short amount of time. There. I've found a worthy task.

The Church Lady

It's Sunday and I just woke-up. I woke at the crack of dawn, but figured with the time change I had extra time to snooze so I did. As if when and how long I snooze matters when I have *nothing* to hang my time to now that I'm unemployed. It's an absolutely georgeous day outside. I knew it would be last night as I sat out back and gazed at the abundance of stars in the sky.

I think I'm not as good at being self-differentiated as I'd thought I was becoming. I've just been noticing lately that some of the things I say are not what I want to have come out of me. For example - I had a great opportunity for restoring a non-relationship and what I said was..."all I ask that you do is...blah, blah, blah." As if I have a right to ask anything of anybody and especially *this* person!

I remember a lady from my childhood who used to drive me bananas. She was so bossy, controlling and pushy about what she thought was the right way for our family to do things. She saw my blind, widowed mother as someone incapable of running her own life or raising us kids well. I couldn't stand this woman! My mom got frustrated with her too, but kept telling me I should be more patient because "she means well" - my mom was a saint. Anyway - I'm seeing some of Mrs. R. in myself today and I don't like it. Not one bit. To think that I have "church lady" characteristics just makes my stomach turn.

What does the phrase uva uvam vivendo varia fit mean?

The Latin phrase that appears on the Hat Creek Cattle Company sign in "Lonesome Dove" is a garbled corruption, and there's no direct translation. It derives from the scholia to Juvenal 2.81 which cites the proverb "uva uvam videndo varia fit" This means something like "a grape changes color [i.e., ripens] when it sees [another] grape"
Novelist Larry McMurtry probably intentionally misused the Latin, perhaps to make a point about Augustus McCrae's tenuous understanding of the language.
From there, any number of interpretations have arisen to explain why McMurtry chose to communicate that particular idea. Probably the soundest theory is that the phrase serves as a metaphor for the group's journey, as many of the story's characters go through a process of personal maturation and development. Much like grapes ripen in the presence of others.

from: the Southwest Collections at Southwest Texas State University. [see link]http://www.library.txstate.edu/swwc/ld/ldex081a1.html

Hmm, well the story tells us that Gus chose it because he liked the way it looked and it 'fit' the space he had on his sign. He doesn't know the translation, but apparently McMurtry did when he used it. It seems quite apropos to the story and to life in general, eh? Don't we all "ripen" in the presence of others. Quite a statement in support of being in community. Of course we sometimes "sour" in the presence of others as well. .sigh.

Cardinals take it.

It coulda been us. It coulda...it shoulda...but I know some fine Card fans and I'm glad for them none-the-less. It was fun while it lasted. .sigh. Shucky darn.

Job Search

I just got another email from the Austin Cancer Center who is keeping me "on-hold" about the chaplain position. This is going into the fourth week of waiting. Apparently they have another chaplain traveling to interview next week. He or she speaks Spanish fluently. Although she keeps saying that the Spanish isn't as important as the right chaplain, her actions state clearly that they are not going to give up until they find a Spanish speaking chaplain. I just wish they would have posted that in the add so I wouldn't have bothered.

I read an article last week about a study showing that folks who are fired over the age of 50 have an increased risk of stroke or heart-attack due to the bleak logistics of finding other employment. As if I needed anymore risk factors.

I applied for an "Information Rep" position at Lockheed Martin this morning. It sounds like something my experience and education could generalize to.

It's raining today in Austin. It's raining today in my heart, mind and soul.

I think I'll start reading "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry. It's a Pulitzer Prize-Winning novel and seems to be a favorite of many people. I heard the movie was good too. I'm glad I didn't see it...yet. It's a good thick novel which should keep my mind busy for a while.

Go, Tigers!

I am just so thrilled that The Tigers won the AL Pennant this year! I can't believe I missed it! It's not like I've been busy or anything! They are kickin' some butt in Detroit tonight in Game two of the World Series. I have such fond memories of going to EVERY single home game one year with Betty Burns. That same year I also flew to New York and watched my team beat the Yankees on their own turf. It was exciting. This makes me soooo homesick. As if the recent Autumn colors didn't do it already. Gone from MI for 27 years and I still miss is so much. I never thought I wouldn't go home again. :(

The Rolling Stones are playing right now too - at Zilker Park in Austin, TX. It's the place I call home today and it is a nice enough town. The live music capital of the world and very cool. It reminds me of Ann Arbor, MI in so many ways. Anyway, I didn't get tickets to see the Stones and that broke my heart. My daughter's best friend is there. She doesn't even know who the Rolling Stones *are* much less have an appreciation for their music. Although, I'm sure she'll enjoy the excitement of being there with a bunch of old hippies that are groovin' to the tunes.

I gotta watch my Tigers take it on through anyway. :)

Talking to a Squirrel

It's Saturday morning and I wouldn't know today from the last 21 days of unemployment. I feel like I'm going crazy. I was just outside on the back porch. Not a soul awake in the hood. I found myself talking, out-loud, to a squirrel who is chattering in the trees. I am losing it.

I signed the severance agreement so can't 'discuss' my firing anymore. At least I'll have enough money to pay the rent on the first of November. Then...who knows?

I need to find a need in my city and go fill-it. With the holidays coming up there will be ample opportunity to serve others. I'm such a social person and I feel myself just shrinking from the lonliness.

I feel a major pity-party comin' on and I don't want to go there. I must find a way to keep it together and survive this #&@ situation with grace and dignity.

Texas Work Commission

They just called me asking questions about my unemployment claim. Things I had already answered. They're supposedly still working on making a determination. My "employer" has not responded to their inquiries. HR told me they would not 'fight' a claim. Basically they *know* this was a wrongful firing. I just can't find an attorney willing to help me. Oh, wait. Sure there's a ton of them who will if I give them more money, up-front, than I could probably win in a court settlement. I could probably win a tidy sum, but I just don't know if I have the "fight" in me.

All I wanted to do was my job...providing ministry to dying people. All I did wrong was being a middle-aged female who didn't sufficiently 'entertain' the young, 20 something, blond- bubblehead as she did almost NOTHING at the office but play with water guns and remote control trucks. It's crazy what this girl is being allowed to get by with. No professionalism. No compassion for the mission. No sense of what a chaplain does and no concern about it.

Unemployment

SUCKS! Just went to HEB with some charity gift cards. I'm truly grateful for the food. However, I feel like I'm going to totally lose my mind. I'm feeling like selling just about everything I own so I can squeeze myself into a small apartment and just hybernate for the rest of my life.

BABY 'O BABY! Oh, great. My life just gets easier and easier all the time...NOT! It seems I'm going to be a grandmother. We're pretty sure that my daughter, Laura, is pregnant. She's 18 years old; has not graduated from highschool yet; and is not married, of course. My nappy-headed grandchild should be due on or about my daughter's father's birthday. Happy birthday, Grandpa. Won't *he* be thrilled to find out *this* peice of news.

God be with us.

Six Months Later

I know I'm losing my mind dribble by dribble. I did not even remember setting this blog up. Good grief.

Anyway. Life has changed. It always seems to do so fairly drastically from one six month period to the next. I am presently unemployed. Fired by a 20 something, bubblehead who wanted a cute, young, male chaplain to work with instead of this middle-aged woman. I wish I could ... oh, I don't know. Revenge wouldn't get my job back. :(

I'm really, really, really in a bad funk today. :(