Conflict Management

I have so many resources to consult on this topic and yet it just continues to elude me - interpersonal conflict - especially and specifically with partners. I remember the frustration of conflict due to perspective and perception that occurred when the kids' dad was just home from Desert Storm. We got a serious lesson in power and aggression (from our beloved government) and how it can destroy lives. It does the same thing in interpersonal relationships too and that is so very, very sad.

One person sees it one way and the other sees it another way. I guess the only way for progress to be made is if both parties can use a modicum of maturity and self-control to hear the other and attempt to find common ground, understanding and accommodation. If there is no foundation of love with commitment - this will not occur, of course.

There *has* to be a firm and true commitment and desire for a relationship to last. There has to be a willingness to overcome adversity and overcome obstacles...together. There has to be a willingness to be together and stay together until the situation/s are resolved...unless there is a personality disorder in one of the parties which makes resolution short-lived until the next conflict, which was the case in my first marriage. Maybe it is the hurt that is inflicted during conflict which erodes the desire to continue to struggle together. I think it's the struggle for power and control and the tools one chooses to use in order to accomplish the perceived win that can destroy. In these cases it's a lose/lose proposition - in personal relationships. :-(

I am beginning to think it is important that a couple be similar enough in educational background and experience to make a go of it. At least I think this is true in older folks trying to couple. There is just so much baggage that both bring into the relationship and in order to communicate on as many levels as possible...I'm starting to think equal education is imperative. The basic elements of the educational process which includes learning how to think critically, keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions are important tools.

This is clearly a task that I am trying to grapple with. I plan to start reading the literature I have on my shelves again to see if I can generalize the - business, congregational, et al - "conflict resolution" theories to personal relationships and see if I can't learn something that might be of use to me before I go forward into the wilderness of dating again. I have studied this with regard to human relationship in my school work and with life experience - but maybe I need to approach it from a different perspective and see if I can gain some insight that could be useful to me and a potential partner - should I be blessed with one again before I die.