TUES 14 Nov 06 - I just want to s.c.r.e.a.m. I keep waking up hoping that there will be an email asking me to come in for a second interview or offering me a job or something. I keep hoping all the collection calls that start at 8:30 a.m. will be someone calling me for an interview. Nada. If I didn't think screaming would scare the crickets outside, I'd do it.
7:00 p.m. I am on-call for the hospital. I just got called in the formulate advance directives for a gentleman. While there - I was standing at the counter doing my charting and two doctors were right in front of me talking about some female movie star that one of them wanted to date. He said to the other one: "Heck, with her making 20 million dollars a year I'd marry her and consider it my job to make her happy, hell I'd carry her baby for her if I could." I looked up and stupidly said: "Gosh, I wish *I* made 20 million dollars a year (thinking it would pay some bills!). He looked at me and said, very boldly...wait...are you ready for what he said to me?!! He said: "If you'd get your breasts done, a tummy tuck and generally take off 20 years you might get somewhere." Honest to goodness it's what that man said to me! I am cycling through feeling shocked; crushed; and furious. I didn't say anything back to him as I felt like he'd slapped me down to the ground! I couldn't believe it. As if I needed to hear THAT with already feeling like a washed-out failure.
My life feels like one crushing defeat after another.
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