Prayer For My Children

Prayer for My Children's Independence


Lord help me not to do for my children
what they can do for themselves

Help me not to give them
what they can earn for themselves

Help me not to tell them
what they can look up for themselves.

Help me to help my children stand on
their own two feet and to grow into
responsible, disciplined adults.


- Marian Wright Edelman

Coyotes in Our Hood

I have a household of young people (my kids) who each have a couple of McJobs with varying schedules. Two of my boys were up smoking a cigarette out on the porch at 3:00 a.m. today. They observed three coyotes. One was crossing the street from our next door neighbor's house, headed to the open field that is across from the houses there. The first one boldly crossed and then stopped in the yard of the blue house by the field to stare at my boys once he heard them talking. Soon two others came around the corner of that house. The boys say they were HUGE! Needless to say the boys came inside.
G o o d n.e.s.s.
http://www.nwf.org/nationalwildlife/article.cfm?issueID=110&articleID=1404

Brigitte London

I'm soooo sleepy right now and can't go love my bed for another...eight hours, at least. On-call last night and got paged at 4:00 a.m. 55 year old man dying. Stayed w/wife until other chaplain came in at 9:30 a.m. She asked me to come back at 12:30 to work four more hours. Of course I said 'sure', but I gotta keep my eyes open. BTW, my 44 year old cardiac patient is alive, awake and talkin' til we're all blue in the face! Never would have expected that unconscious body to make so much racket. He had an epiphany yesterday and his marriage and family is in the process of renewal and healing. Thanks be to God!

I was up late last night listening to some good home grown music at a local pub. It was great. I really resonated with the singer, Brigitte London, and she "just knew" that she knew me from someplace. I think it was simply the holy in her meeting the holy in me and recognizing it. Very cool anyway.

Gotta run my daughter downtown for school. Thank goodness she went back and will hopefully get her diploma before the baby comes. She's tired and cranky which is such fun for all of us. NOT.

Anyway, I've got some peice work. I'm relatively healthy. My kids are all o.k. so HEY, I am blessed. TBTG! Plus, I get to go to sleep in about eight hours (but whose watching the clock?).

Winds of Change?

Oh, my. It is a rather blustery day outside. I love it when it's windy and the sun is shining. There's a wee-bit of a nip in the air, but not much.

I'm feeling somewhat better today for some reason. The comments from the A$$ of a doctor last night are not really bothering me too much. I figure if he's that shallow...poor him.

Still no word on ANY of my applications. I am going to try to redo my resume. I think I can do one that looks more interesting than the one page tome I have now. I think it's best to keep it to one page, but if I can do a better one on two pages...it would be worth it to get calls. I can write. I may as well utilize that talent for myself. We'll see.

Just took my walk around the hilly neighborhood. It felt good. My legs are tingling. The winds are so high it created some resistance which was good. I'm going out tonight to listen to some good 'ole Austin live music. Brigitte London is a local artist who is going to play along with some others. It's about time I took advantage of some of the cool stuff Austin has to offer. No point sitting around mopin' and hopin' for something different than what I've got. I've actually got some pretty good things in my life right here where I am. TBTG!

Bad Day

TUES 14 Nov 06 - I just want to s.c.r.e.a.m. I keep waking up hoping that there will be an email asking me to come in for a second interview or offering me a job or something. I keep hoping all the collection calls that start at 8:30 a.m. will be someone calling me for an interview. Nada. If I didn't think screaming would scare the crickets outside, I'd do it.

7:00 p.m. I am on-call for the hospital. I just got called in the formulate advance directives for a gentleman. While there - I was standing at the counter doing my charting and two doctors were right in front of me talking about some female movie star that one of them wanted to date. He said to the other one: "Heck, with her making 20 million dollars a year I'd marry her and consider it my job to make her happy, hell I'd carry her baby for her if I could." I looked up and stupidly said: "Gosh, I wish *I* made 20 million dollars a year (thinking it would pay some bills!). He looked at me and said, very boldly...wait...are you ready for what he said to me?!! He said: "If you'd get your breasts done, a tummy tuck and generally take off 20 years you might get somewhere." Honest to goodness it's what that man said to me! I am cycling through feeling shocked; crushed; and furious. I didn't say anything back to him as I felt like he'd slapped me down to the ground! I couldn't believe it. As if I needed to hear THAT with already feeling like a washed-out failure.

My life feels like one crushing defeat after another.

The Tea House

Just had a lovely lunch with Donna C. the Social Worker I worked with at the hospice. Such a nice woman. Such a nice meal! Light, non-greasy yummy Chinese food. It would have been nice to have had longer to visit.

Seems my ex-boss is in the hospital with serious heart problems and the mean HR lady's husband had a heart attack the same night. Weird. The young, blond, bubble head who fired me is now running the whole shebang! Goodness. At least I've learned that they didn't allow her to replace me with the cute, young, male chaplain she brought in. They apparently did a verrry careful search for someone qualified and reamed all of them out soundly for what they did with me. I guess it caused some tension, eh? I don't want to see these folks sick with heart problems, but there would have been much less stress all the way around had the young blond been handled properly and promptly and some of this prevented. :( Ah, well...at least I'm out of that dysfunctional office. I do miss my patients, my ministry and my paychecks though.

LOVE

Ah, now there's a topic I'm bound to come back to many times before this particular entry is complete. Just read the words of someone on a forum:

Love is a choice we make.
Yes, there MUST be fundamental compatibility,
mutual interests, mutual respect, if you are lucky initial infatuation,
however, day in day out, we make choices that either maintain and grow
or starve and kill love for another person, and their love for us.

Love is much much more about who we are,
than about who our mate is.

I really liked what this says. I consider myself to be a lifelong student of love. Not that I have been particularly successful in grasping it for my own life in terms of a partner, but a student none-the-less.

I remember being put into a high school counseling group for chronic skippers of classes. Mr. Bill Riccobono was the graduate student leading it for his field work. He didn't say goodbye to me when his term was up, but left me a handwritten note saying something like "LOVE, you just have to want it enough to be willing to work for it." Well, I sure want it enough and seem to work hard at it. It just isn't easy when the object of our affection isn't willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to make it work.

I don't think I've ever given-up too easily. In fact, I've stayed far longer in most relationships than I probably should have. I have a tenacity that seems like it would lend itself to allowing the relationship and the other person to evolve and yet...love still eludes me. I can't count the number of times I've attempted a relationship and been taken for granted and then once I finally give-up the man begs me to come back. I cannot c.o.u.n.t. the times that has happened to me.

I don't know how to change whatever it is that allows them to keep playing with my heart until it's broken and shattered and hope is lost. I know I have a HUGE part in it. I guess I just don't stand-up strong enough for myself and what I want - or maybe I just do it wrong? I don't know.

That's all for now, but I'm certain I'll be back to this before too long.

"The conclusion is always the same: love is the most powerful and still the most unknown energy in the world." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Deadbeats and Dirtbags

My life is filled with them right now and I need to CLEAR them out. May God and the universe align to help me. Now. Amen.

Money Makes the World Go Around

I am believing for renewed prosperity in my life - financially; mentally; physically; emotionally and spiritually. So be it. Amen.

Just got home from Half Price Bookstore. Bought 5 books. The other three books in the "Lonesome Dove" Series by Larry McMurtry - "Dead Man's Walk"; "Comanche Moon"; and "Streets of Laredo". I also got two books on how to survive a breakup - "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and "The Heartbreak Handbook". Of course the three McMurtry books are part of my plan. Pathetic, eh? Try as I do, love continues to elude me. :-(

Ugh

That flu shot is still kickin' my butt. I feel so exhausted and achy. Going to bed early - which is desireable to me anyway as my life is just too blah right now to stay awake. :-(

Flu Shot

Got my flu shot yesterday. It wiped me out for 12 hours, but I feel nice and rested this morning. I'm so grateful to get that shot each year. It has made all the difference for me. I used to get soooo sick, at least once per season and sometimes twice, from the flu. Now I breeze on thru, TBTG.

Worked all day at the hospital yesterday and will go in four hours today. It is messing with my unemployment, but I'd rather be doing ministry than sitting around collecting bucks. I love my work soooo much.

I applied for another hospice position. Never did hear back from the lady at the Cancer Center. You'd think she'd have enough courtesy to inform me one way or the other. Maybe that's why she kept putting me off...maybe she just doesn't have the strength to say "sorry" and no. She didn't seem like a weenee to me though. Who knows. She was so generous with praise and compliments though...maybe it was all an act. People. .sigh.

Now, on with the day.

Commitment

"Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too." - W.H. Murray, The Story of Everest

Ah, yes...there it is. Without commitment there is no way for challenges to be overcome. Without commitment there is no way a relationship is going to work out. Without commitment there is no way for the future to move forward into the direction stated. Period.

Alfred Adler:
"We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited."

Rollo May:
"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step
would carry us clear through them." -- Brendan Francis [Behan] (1923-1964) Irish Author

Conflict Management

I have so many resources to consult on this topic and yet it just continues to elude me - interpersonal conflict - especially and specifically with partners. I remember the frustration of conflict due to perspective and perception that occurred when the kids' dad was just home from Desert Storm. We got a serious lesson in power and aggression (from our beloved government) and how it can destroy lives. It does the same thing in interpersonal relationships too and that is so very, very sad.

One person sees it one way and the other sees it another way. I guess the only way for progress to be made is if both parties can use a modicum of maturity and self-control to hear the other and attempt to find common ground, understanding and accommodation. If there is no foundation of love with commitment - this will not occur, of course.

There *has* to be a firm and true commitment and desire for a relationship to last. There has to be a willingness to overcome adversity and overcome obstacles...together. There has to be a willingness to be together and stay together until the situation/s are resolved...unless there is a personality disorder in one of the parties which makes resolution short-lived until the next conflict, which was the case in my first marriage. Maybe it is the hurt that is inflicted during conflict which erodes the desire to continue to struggle together. I think it's the struggle for power and control and the tools one chooses to use in order to accomplish the perceived win that can destroy. In these cases it's a lose/lose proposition - in personal relationships. :-(

I am beginning to think it is important that a couple be similar enough in educational background and experience to make a go of it. At least I think this is true in older folks trying to couple. There is just so much baggage that both bring into the relationship and in order to communicate on as many levels as possible...I'm starting to think equal education is imperative. The basic elements of the educational process which includes learning how to think critically, keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions are important tools.

This is clearly a task that I am trying to grapple with. I plan to start reading the literature I have on my shelves again to see if I can generalize the - business, congregational, et al - "conflict resolution" theories to personal relationships and see if I can't learn something that might be of use to me before I go forward into the wilderness of dating again. I have studied this with regard to human relationship in my school work and with life experience - but maybe I need to approach it from a different perspective and see if I can gain some insight that could be useful to me and a potential partner - should I be blessed with one again before I die.

Back in the Saddle

er...back in the pulpit. It feels good. I've missed it. It's a tiny little congregation with about 40 members. Only half of them attend right now. Apparently their most recent pastor "offended" a bunch. It happens. Too easily. Anyway, I'm only pulpit supply until the end of the year so it should be a nice honeymoon period to celebrate the holidays in. It will be interesting to see if the others come back.

I'm flirting with the idea of taking a lazy Sunday afternoon nap. I'm tired. Got up waaaay too early thanks to my son's dern cat who was slamming bathroom cupboard doors; scratching at the carpet by the door and meowing loudly. Not sure what the little ratfink wanted really. I was ready to open the window and toss him out into the backyard. I wouldn't do that, of course. But, I felt like it.

I work at the hospital again all day tomorrow. The day went really fast last Thursday - so much death - so many needs. Whew. I was draggin' by the time 5:00 p.m. came round. Renewed some aquaintances from the last time I filled in for Amy. That was nice. Would that she'd hire me for the part-time position that is kind of open. It's presently on freeze, but should be open again soon. Maybe...

ZEN

No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease. - Dogen

A bit of Zen wisdom to start my day. I think the clouds are fixin' to clear and the winds are getting less intense. They're still with me, but as each day comes I feel a little more at peace. TBTG.

I'm going to finish reading "Lonesome Dove" and I hate to see it end. It's such a good book. So interesting, so deep, so well written. Nothin' better than a good peice of literature in my mind.

I feel calm, if a little weak yet. It's o.k. I've a roof over my head and enough food to eat. Goodness knows I've got enough clothing to wear as my overflowing laundry hamper will attest to. It's all good in one way or another.

Movement on the Job Front

I just got a call from the chaplain at the hospital asking me to cover some days for her this month AND I just got an email from the little church in Taylor that has expressed an interest in calling me to serve there. They want me to be pulpit supply until the end of the year! That means I get to celebrate Christmas in liturgical leadership again!! Woo Hoo! What an early Christmas present this is for me. I am so excited. It could, indeed, turn into an official call in the New Year! I would be double ordained since the PCUSA would have to receive me into their presbytery in order for me to serve this congregation.

Well, I guess I'll be spending another holiday season alone. It's kind of like my life is going full circle. I suppose that's the way it is for me. I remember the Christmas when I was totally alone in my apartment when I was 20 something. It wasn't such a bad time. I do enjoy my own company and for that I'm grateful. Maybe I'll meet someone nice in the coming year. This was a prayer that a lovely lady sent to me today:

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU...Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they will not" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2006), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down. I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message"... God smiled and answered ... Request granted.

HOPE [In Japanese]

"Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." - Satchel Paige

This quote might suggest that I keep my hopes up for a job in chaplaincy. In Austin there are about 3 chaplain jobs for every 35 ordained persons seeking them. And those three job openings don't happen too frequently. It's a tough market. I dunno what to do. I am applying for "other" positions in random fields that I think my experience and education could generalize to. So far, nothing. This sucks.

At least Amy called yesterday to have me fill-in for her at the hospital a couple days doing chaplaincy and then for several half-days formulating advance directives. Also, Mark called to have me fill his pulpit at the end of November. So I still get to keep my "feet-wet" as it were. Thanks be to God for that.

HOPE

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope." -- Alexander Dumas

"Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness and captivity would, without this comfort, be insupportable." -- Samuel Johnson

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope." -- Martin Luther

"A leader is a dealer in hope." -- Napoleon Bonaparte