OMWord. It's been a long time.

It's June 19th, 2009

It's been a long time since I blogged here. I suppose now would be a good time to pick it up again. Need to read what I've written thus far first.

And life is new again...

My life seems to change a lot from one six month period to the next. I'm thinking I'll come back to this blog and do my journal work. Biggest change? Kamia Jade.

Body-for-LIFE

"Winning is not normal and those who constantly win follow an ‘abnormal’ path. The discipline, dedication and sacrifices are incomprehensible to those thousands standing outside, looking in, who are capable of joining the winning team, yet unwilling to pay the price of admission. Winners win in a fair effort, on a level playing field, because they deserve to win... they willingly pay their dues in full, time after time, after time." ~ author unknown - found on Body-for-LIFE website www.bodyforlife.com go to "success tips: then click on "weekly messages: and then click on: week 1. I did a google search and found one other reference, again stating author unknown.

Body-for-LIFE

Goals:

1. Within 12 weeks, I will lose 30 pounds of fat by an average of 2.5 lbs per week.

2. Within 12 weeks, I will gain muscle.

3. Within 12 weeks, I will build stamina.

4. Within 12 weeks, I will easily and positively change my lifestyle.

5. Within 12 weeks, I will increase my overall health.

Why?

When I look at myself in the mirror these days I do not like what I see. I see a middle aged, out-of-shape, FAT woman. I want to see a middle aged, in-shape, beautifully HOT woman! Deep down inside I still feel like the same woman I’ve always been, but I used to be thin and very attractive. I can sense the responses of people to my body shape now and it does not match the way I used to look. I guess it’s historical thinking gone wild. I’m no longer the thin Sharon I used to be and want to be again. I am confident, but I am not energetic nor physically strong. However, I do pride myself on being emotionally, mentally and spiritually strong, therefore, I have the tools I need to succeed in this endeavor. I know that I am absolutely on the right path in most areas of my life except for physical health. If I do not lose 40 pounds and increase my overall health, I am going to begin to suffer from heart disease related illnesses and die sooner than is necessary. I would like to create a brighter, healthier future. I would like to change my lifestyle into a healthier one. I want to look like I choose a healthy lifestyle by having a nice, attractive body to house my mind and soul. I want to become more attractive to men and to other people in general which I believe will increase my credibility and level of respect from others, but most importantly from ME, myself and I!

Finally, an update.

It's time to start living the life you've imagined. -- Henry James

John Lennon's "Imagine" just came to mind.
The life I imagined...? My, my but it turned out differently than I imagined. In some ways more spectacular than I had the capacity to imagine in my youth. In some ways disappointingly different than I'd always hoped. I never planned to raise my children alone, but I think I did o.k. anyway. I never planned to have a "career" or "vocation" with the honor of working within the lives of others the way I am privileged to do. Ah, well. I digress from diet and exercise.

I NEVER planned to be 35-40 lbs overweight! My tall, thin momma always caused me to assume that I'd look just like her my whole life. Of course she was flat-chested and I'm not and we always wondered where the bouzzies came from. Looking at photographs of my paternal grandmother with her D cups and 50-75 extra pounds should have told me something, but I wasn't listening.

So. I have the same choice I had when I originally signed onto CK. Lose it or weep. I've been so blessed to watch my buddy, Char, methodically go about losing her weight and have been amazed at some of the major (and minor) success stories on this site. So, what am "I" waiting for? This is my question. I keep putting it off until tomorrow. I keep realizing that stroke and/or heart-attack could hit at anytime and I do nothing to lose the extra baggage. Kicking myself does no good. Maybe as I continue to get older and routine becomes more comforting to me...it will happen. I dunno.

...and so I check my email and this is there:

Today's Daily Word - Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Let Go, Let God

God is bringing forth the new me who is emerging now.

God is the answer to every challenge in life. Whether a decision I am to make seems to be of greater or lesser importance, letting go and letting God is the surest way for me to make the right choice.

As I let go and let God be God in my life, I am declaring that I am not alone in making any decision or in taking any action. The very wisdom that created the universe is my guide. All that God is and all that God is capable of doing is here for me in every moment.

In letting go and letting God, I am releasing the thought that anything from the past can hold me back from living fully in the present. I let go of a belief in limitation and let God show me the unlimited potential that is within me. God is bringing forth the new me who is emerging now.

He trusts in God; let God deliver him now. ~ Matthew 27:43

The latter part of "Imagine" by: John Lennon
"....
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"
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Sunday. First Sunday in Lent. Started our lenten study and it went well. A few of the members who split off because of the previous pastor are starting to trickle back. The matrons were on their regular behavior today. Went to lunch and ate half a portion of chicken fried steak. It upset my intestines greatly.

Not much to report for once. Life is coasting at the moment and that is nice.
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6 p.m.Wow. Bunny, Vicki and Corrine you have helped me so much today. I've been working on getting my room cleaned and changed around to be more pleasing. So far I've cleaned spots off the carpet, vacumned, moved the bed! Brought up different tables to put my lamps on. Dust and waxed them. Going through paper stuff and throwing out lots of stuff. I'm about half way done...maybe more than that...and it feels so good. I've been working up a sweat too and therefore burning calories. My eating is a little better today too. I'm hoping the methodically continue through the whole house until it sparkles. One room at a time. Thanks youze guys!
I'm feelin' better.
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Monday morning and I'm awake at O Dark Hundred. Coffee is brewing. I'm thinking about a zillion things I need to accomplish today. I'm tired already and haven't even fully woken-up yet. I'm three pounds away from being right back where I started from when I first came to CK 18ish months ago. That doesn't make me very happy, but seems to be accurately indicative of the stress I'm under right now. I'd start drinking, but there's too many calories in alcohol and I'm fat enough. Today would have been my beloved older brother's 70th birthday! That just seems absolutely impossible. Yet, he was 17 years older than me and it's correct. My heart aches for his love and concern for me. I was his favorite sibling...his "baby" as it were. He was my hero. Oh, great. Now I'm tearing up. Maybe I just need to take some Benadryl and go back to bed.
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I am reminded of my time in CA when the kids were small. When we were a military family we seemed to always be placed close to folks of the Mormon faith. I am telling you those women have some awesome practices. There was a group of ladies who helped me out when all three of my kids were under the age of five. They had a routine of spending the day at a different house each day so that the kids could all play together while the moms cleaned each others homes! It was a vulnerable place to be, but made so much sense and made the work lickety split and FUN! I don't think I fully appreciated that back then. I do now. What a nice memory.
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Slept in my "new room" last night and it was...different. It looks right now...proper symmetry and all, but it 'felt' odd. I suppose it will be good once I get used to it. I'm finding myself wanting to get rid of so much stuff. I want to be ready to move to something smaller once the time comes. I don't want to be one of those little old ladies who has so much clutter around her that you're afraid to move. I'm thinking "less is more" and I know I feel so much better when there isn't clutter all around me.

I did well with my eating yesterday and the exercise took care of itself with all the room cleaning and moving. It was, all in all, a good enough day - all said and done. TBTG.
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10 p.m. Just back from hospital. Called in to pray with a family whose father's lungs collapsed today. He is totally alert and fully functioning except for his lungs. He does not want to continue on oxygen and is ready to die. His family is heart-broken to say the least. I prayed with them and talked about their using hospice in the days ahead. wow. Such a privilege my work is. I'm so grateful to be allowed to do what I do.
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5 p.m. I'm back on the streets looking for a part-time job. The hospice has had me on PRN status and I've not gotten any hours for the past two weeks. I simply have to work.

At least the church thing is going well; and I have a roof over our heads; and I'm still walking and talking...mostly...and I have my three beautiful kids and a grandbaby on-the-way to love...and my hair doesn't need to be dyed right now...and I have a quarter of a tank of gas...and we have a roof over our heads...and...
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HOT Diggity Dog! I sent out three resumes with cover letters this week and got a call today from one my favorite hospice nurses that I worked with in the past! She's now a Director of Clinical Services and it looks like I've got another JOB!!! YES! I suppose I'll go see her tomorrow and hopefully start on Monday! Woo Hoo! Thanks be to GOD! This one is called "Grace Hospice" and I'm liking the names better and better as I go along. Now. Hopefully this one will last! I can see settling down into a nice routine of hospice/hospital/church/home. With Sherrie at the helm I know she demands solid, traditional, quality spiritual care! YES! shar, doin' the happy dance at last! Woo Hoo!
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Oh, my. I just listened to my voice mail and one of the OTHER hospices called me today too and they want to talk to me asap! Oh, my. Apparently I'm in demand around these parts. How cool is THAT!!?! Oh, my.
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2:15 p.m. AWESOME! I had my official interview a couple hours ago and just got a call back from the director who offered me the job! I go to orientation on Tuesday morning! Yippie! Sadly there won't be too many hours at first, but...hopefully they'll grow. Something is better than nothing though and I plan to make myself indispensable.
3:45 p.m. Oh, man. This just keeps getting better and better. I just spoke to the lady at the other hospice and she sorta hired me over the phone! They are a tiny operation also so...between the two hospices I will have a whole part-time job! Does that math add up or what?!!
I am feeling so incredibly blessed right now. Oh, Bess...and several others...you never wavered for a minute in believing for me! o.k. now I'm gettin' all misty-eyed and stuff.
God is soooo good to me. I promise to be the best servant I can be to show my humble appreciation for these opportunities!! Who'da thunk that I was to trade one full-time job at an icky place for THREE part-time jobs...well, FOUR very part-time jobs with the hospital chaplaincy/on-call position too. Oh, my goodness. I am so blessed to be allowed to do EVERYTHING a minister is trained to do!! I will never be bored I can say that fer sure. Oh...I am so happy.
My momma must be wearin' a big ole smile right about now. Of course she'd ask me how I'm going to juggle all these jobs. The days I'm required to be here and there are equally shuffled from day to day of the week so I see no problem. I may need to carry my little calendar on my person at all times. Goodness, along with a pager and two cell-phones...but who cares. A box of chocolates...I'll never know what I'm gonna get.
2:00 p.m. Finished my sermon and it looks good. We're installing two new session elders tomorrow so I had to weave that into the message. It fit nicely. Put the kneeler into the back-seat for the candidates to kneel on for the laying on of hands. Put my nice rug in there too so I can put it into my office. That office is so huge. I've already taken a bunch of stuff up and it doesn't even make a dent in the space. I'll just keep taking it up. I want it to be a nice, peaceful, inspiring place. It's getting there. The people are excited about it. Apparently the last pastor or two didn't even use the office space! They worked from home...or didn't as the case seems. This is a deeply wounded community and the healing seems to be slowly beginning.

I just stopped at the Goodwill outlet store up the street. I've been passing it for nearly a year and meaning to stop and see what it's about. It's weird. Rows and rows of long tables containing plastic bins side-by-side that contain a mixture of stuff. Glass mixed with plastic mixed with books mixed with purses mixed with...you get the idea. I was walking around trying to discover how and why it 'works' for so many folk that were swarming the place when the big double doors opened and the workers pushed out a new long wooden cart of bins. About 25 people *attacked* the bins with a vengeance - pushing and shoving and throwing stuff. I just stood there with wide eyes and my mouth probably falling open . Folks were wearing gardening gloves to go through this crap. Anyway, I looked down and saw a copy of the 2003 edition of the CK calorie and fat counter for a quarter so I picked it up and quietly checked out. Looked like it could be a dangerous place. The Goodwill, not the cal/carb counter...but then again...
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6:30 a.m. oouu, weee...the wind is blowin' up a storm outside. Just took the doggie door panel out of the sliding glass door. Waaay too windy and a bit nippy. I LOVE IT! It's a tad early for a Sat. morn. but, hey. I've got so much to be excited about. I finally woke-up from having just some regular run-of-the-mill dreams. I recalled them as I was making coffee, but then I forgot. Ah, well. I think I'm getting used to the memory slips. Goodness, I'm growing-up. Greg's drivers lic expired last week on his BD. He doesn't look 24 so now he can't buy his own cigarettes. We stopped at the corner store and he handed me the money to go in and get them and for a second I thought about grabbing my OWN drivers lic...AS IF!! Just cracked myself right up!

Catching Up

Well, Lo's "Baby Daddy" has decided he doesn't want to stick around while Laura carries his child. He is going to drive back from East TX to pick-up his dog this week and then go back. I'm disgusted. Part of me wants to tell her that "when you lie down with dogs you get fleas." But the mother in me is heartbroken to see her heart broken like this. Her father just wrote to tell me that I need to convince her to go to WA to live with him because somehow this is my fault that she got pregnant. As if he was such a paragon of honor to his three kids and wife. Oyi. Life. It just keeps on happenin' doesn't it?

I have a stinkin' chest, nasal, head crud thing going on. I'm just glad I'm off work. Good timing. I'm hoping to sleep in and really rest in the morning...maybe it will clear up. I was supposed to go for my annual physical in the morning, but nobody will be going anywhere in the morning...in Austin, due to the Ice Storm. I paid the electric company, but as Staci said...there's a chance for irony if the ice knocks out our electricity when it's all said and done. They're dealing with that in South Austin right now. About 200 homes are without heat right now.

I just feel such an overall sense of inner peace and security (for the moment) with having my jobs. I'm so happy about them. So very grateful.

I plan to gym shop when I start getting paychecks again and this time I also plan to make sure to pad my savings account really well in case I ever get into this mess again. I just need to downsize my home and living and I should be good.

I found out today that the little ole church ladies call themselves "The Matrons" and that works. They weren't at church today!! They all use walkers or cains due to unsteady gait. Austin is under a severe weather watch/warning with a major ice storm predicted for ... now. It's sloppy and wet. They wisely decided to stay home and protect their fragile bones. Anyway, I met with the session (which isn't much younger). It went well. We settled on the amount to pay me and the hours I'll work and then I immediately got pulled into food bank duty this Friday which is not one of the days we negotiated. Ah well...momma told me there'd be days like this. No problem. I feel confident it will all work out. We all laid our cards on the table and I assured them that I will offend "The Matrons" again and again and they seemed o.k. with it...so forward we go...into the wild blue (or purple-haired) yonder.

Just finished my day of hospice. Three patients that are non-verbal and then one who lives in an assisted living facility and is a delight! We agreed that I'd come to see her once a week. She is only 11 years older than me. Lung cancer and COPD. Smoker. This one is gonna hurt cuz I already adore her. However, it will also be a meaningful journey.

Daughter not doing too well emotionally. Doesn't want to be pregnant...with Joey's child. She refuses the idea of giving the baby up for adoption. Joey doesn't want to be a partner or dad anymore. He's decided to stay in East TX with his family. She was hysterical in the middle of the night. I slept poorly as it was to mommy that she came. Had to talk about "her" being mommy now. She's not ready. She's still a baby herself. If only I'd locked her up in an ivory tower somewhere until she was 25.

and now for today's entry:

ZING! I'm wide awake at 4:30 a.m. and that just isn't like me. I'm sure it's the shot of cortisone the doc gave me yesterday. Plus, I slept a good part of the afternoon away yesterday too. I guess I was sicker than I realized given how crazy busy I've been with the new phjobs. I've been known to do that...be sick and not stop long enough to realize it until I'm down. I think I'm gonna feel a whole lot better by tomorrow.

I'm going to join the 24 hour fitness gym. I simply have to get moving and I'm not doing it. Although, I also like CURVES, but I get bored after a while there. I dunno what to do. I just have to do something. The new doc said that it was probably the estrogen I've been taking what has kept me alive these past 5-10 years given my family history of heart disease and my own high blood pressure. That's a comforting thought given the fact that I quit taking the estrogen three months ago due to the current guidelines for using HRT. .sigh. I "know" it's coming and I simply "have" to take off 30-40 pounds if I'm going to have a chance at delaying it a little bit. I'm just not ready yet...to die or be incapacitated. So. CK is not an option for me anymore if I want to live. ok? Lord, help me. My song for the day: "Give me just a little more time..."

Happy New Year! 2007

The ladies showed me my new office at the church yesterday. I nearly fell over. It's HUGE! I will rattle around in that room. Huge desk...love seat, end tables, big stuffed chair, several side chairs, bookcases all across the back wall; another desk behind the giant desk. The giant desk could even look small in this big room if it wasn't so prominently placed. I've never had anything to compare. I was amazed. Wow. I'm pretty sure there is room to square dance between the desk and the sitting area.

Attendance was a bit lower yesterday and that disappointed me. However, coming in during the Christmas holidays gave me the chance to see who calls it their church and that will help in building it back up...I pray. There is so much room in this church. It is old and beautiful with tons of great history. It simply needs an infusion of people. The area is about to become a bedroom community to the Austin/Round Rock area so...hopefully we will see some growth this year! That would be so cool.

I'm getting excited about the possibilities for so much in the coming year! It is grand to be alive.

Oh...did I mention that I'll have a secretary?! I've never had a secretary. Oh, great...now I'm teary-eyed. I think I'm a bit overwhelmed with joy. I'm wondering what my dear mum would have said about all this. I think it's probably a bit beyond her experience. She was so cute when I finally told her I was in seminary and going into ministry. She said: "Honey, you know we don't believe that women should be doing that, but I guess I must have done something right if you're willing to devote your life to serving God like that." Oh, yeah. My mom did a whole lotta right.

I have a list of chores to accomplish today and what am I doing? Sitting at the computer with this 4 lb. dog on my lap. This is my *last* day of "unemployment vacation" and I really need to get my wardrobe (such as it is) in order and clean this house. Reading some of the other blogs reminds me that I also need to take down Christmas decorations. Luckily we didn't put up too many this year.

Not sure when the presbyteries will get things settled for me to start getting paid. I sure hope it's soon. I went to lunch with the ladies yesterday after church. They're starting to let down their guard big time now. I'm starting to get a real sense of who and what I'll be working with. Looks to be some cat-fight power struggles between some of these grand dames. I saw some of their meanness toward one another in their eyes yesterday. Of course the one that first "courted" me gave me a ride back to my car and sweetly said: "I don't want to offend you by telling you what to do or anything, but you're going to need to...." (speak louder so that Miz C. can hear me better). The way she said it gave me the insight that I will be hearing those very words on a fairly regular basis. She nearly snapped off the head of the young waitress we had for a number of perceived failings. I had a glimpse of my own head being served up on a platter later on. Ah, the grind work begins...the part I do not like. Personal growth time for me again. I may need to get back into my family systems class - I've been out this past year thinking I'd not ever be back in a church again.

Hired!

I got the Jah-obs! I got the jah-obs! Oh, yeah...I got the JOBS!!

Hired: Heart to Heart Hospice!
Hired: First Presbyterian Church!

Woo Hoo!

I a.m. soooo freakin' HAPPY!!

Have not worked out hours or pay for either position yet. But I got the jobs! Both of 'em! Two part-time positions to equal a whole! Yee Ha!

I am so blessed. The best of both worlds! Hospice chaplain and church pastor BOTH! Thanks be to God!

Heart to Heart

I am sooo excited! I just got a call-back from one of the cold-call letters I sent to all the area hospices! I'm still playing phone tag with the chaplain there, but spoke to the director who was very nice! They want to meet with me next week for an interview!! They have an opening for a PRN chaplain which would be absolutely PERFECT to go with my part-time pastorate! Woo Hoo!

16 weeks

I feel like my head is full of rocks this morning. I was up all night helping to deliver a 16 week fetus. He was perfectly formed! Momma just didn't have a strong enough cervix to keep him in. So sad. My daughter is 16 weeks along and she and I were looking at her pregancy book to see what her baby looks like when I got the call to come to hospital. The book only had a pic of a 14 wk and then jumped to 20 wks. We were wondering what her baby looks like at 16 weeks. I really didn't want such intimate knowledge, but I got it. Fully formed. Golf ball sized head, perfect little legs, feet, hands etc. His little lips were so beautiful... He fit perfectly in my hand and it broke my heart to weigh him and measure him. While I had him on the scale I swear I saw his little lungs try to take one breath. This is NOT work for the faint of heart. They named him Miguel and I gave him a birth/death blessing commending his little spirit to God. These are the kind of images that burn right into one's brain forever.

My daughter just left to go for a doctor appt. Her father is here from WA State for the holidays and he went with her. The baby's father is in Mineloa with his family for the holidays. Lo wants to have her dad go and pick up her best friend, Megan, so she can go with her. I don't know if he'll drive down to South Austin to pick her up or not. I hope so. He's not the most compassionate or cooperative man. duh.

Later:

I ended up going with my daughter to the doctor. Life with their dad often changes on a dime. They did an ultrasound and everything looks good. We saw no evidence of scrotum, but it's still too early to be sure if it's a girl. Laura almost cried at the sight of this little person moving around inside her. The baby was in a breech position so it made it harder to see much. Oh. my. oh. my. oh. my. My baby girl is gonna be a momma.

A Christmas Blessing!

I squeezed into a pair of traditional blue jeans today and I can't believe how wonderfully stabilizing they feel to my low-back! I've been wearing nothing but sweat-pants since I lost my job and they're waaay too cozy. The jeans feel like a girdle of sorts and ease the pain in my back! Who'da thunk it?

I am absolutely amazed and nearly dazed at how easily this call to the FPC, Taylor is going so far. My committee on ministry - representative - from Presbytery sent me an excited blessing on the call and does not think it will be difficult to receive permission to labor within the bounds of a PCUSA presbytery! I have made my official request now and unless some of the young, strutting roosters decide to give me a hassle...this could go through like clock-work! The church just sent me their first "official" request to meet for discussion of said call and I've asked them to put their request into Mission Presbytery for their permission to serve them. Wow! How exciting is this?! What a fine Christmas blessing! I meet with the session for lunch tomorrow! Woo Hoo! The PCUSA has minimum standards for a pay scale too and so this will be a real "job" as well!! Probably part-time, but that's o.k. by me. If I can snag a part-time position with a local hospice...I've got two parts to make a whole! ...shar, doin' the happy dance...
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clhagan
2006-12-19 10:34:35

All of your steps to go through with the presbytery confuse me. It sounds like everything is working out, yes? Does this mean you could/might become the pastor at this church you've been preaching at lately? I hope so. Sorry if I sound like a dummy, I just didnt know it took all these requests and permissions to be a pastor somewhere! I hope you get this all worked out before Christmas so that you can relax and enjoy some stress-free time, you really deserve it!
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Cynthia, In mainline, reformed churches we work within a highly structured system of polity to insure that my education; ordination; reputation; and integrity meet the standards set by "the church" so that the people are protected. Yes, it will mean that I'll become the regularly called pastor of the little church I've been serving! It will be an interesting call as this little church has been through the ringer for the past three years and are in need of healing. God is good and faithful and so are these people, so I anticipate a tremendous mutual blessing in the year/years ahead!
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Oh...my...goodness...

I am discovering that in addition to a salary I will be offered a housing allowance plus a utility allowance; automobile allowance; study leave and book allowance! I am on my knees in thanksgiving! My denomination found a way to deny me these "perks" when I served in one of our churches for a fraction of what the male clergy receive in salary. Oh, my.

Conversation

Ahh, sweet relief. I woke-up with my low-back feeling better today. Thanks be to God! I snuggled closely with the heating pad most of yesterday afternoon and evening. Whew. What a relief. It's still kind of sore and weak feeling, but responds to my own little finger massages today. I should be as good as 52 gets again in a day or so.

Got my first weekly report on the new CK site. I only achieved three green checks for the week. I wasn't too terribly off on the other days, but none-the-less I'll have to do better. I am reluctantly getting used to the new site and see some helpful aspects to it that the other one didn't have. I'm sure once they work out the bugs it will be fine.

One week until Christmas. Being unemployed has the benefit of not having to deal with holiday shopping. Santa will not come to our house this year and I really don't even care. We found a pitiful little Charlie Brown; fake, table-top tree in the garage and put it up. My daughter put out some Christmas lights on the porch and things look festive enough. Luckily the kids will receive gifts from their father who is in a much better place financially than I. His gifts sound like they will be quite generous this year. I think it is a good lesson for my kids to be learning...to see the direct connection between employment and life as usual...or not. I hope to be able to budget enough from the next unemployment check to provide, at least, a token pair of slippers for each one of them. Our floors are mostly ceramic tile and they get chilly. Anyway - these are not the important things about the holiday and my children know that, thank goodness. They have all left the church, but went with me enough as children that surely they will return someday when life reaches the point that they begin to wonder again...

I don't think I will attempt a regular walk around the block today. Just navigating the homestead will be challenge enough. I'll keep moving though, because it seems the right thing to do. It keeps the body loose. I will watch my food intake carefully and keep it within limits given the lack of exercise. At least that is my goal. Luckily I lose my appetite when I'm under the weather for any reason so that should help.

"God is good all the time, oh yes, I'm glad that He's a friend of mine." - Babbie Mason
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Well. I just began "conversation" with my presbytery about the call to FPC, Taylor. It will be facinating to watch "the good ole' boys" deal with this. I have no idea what the outcome will be. On one hand they may wish to be shed of me. On the other hand they realize the PC value of keeping their only female 'performer' as it were. We shall see.

"The beautiful souls are they that are universal, open, and ready for all things." - Montaigne, "Of Presumption"

ho ho ho

I woke up feeling 'thinner' for some reason. At least my tummy is deflated. Go figger. I did well yesterday eating until late last night when I lost it and ate a bunch of potato chips! I was craving them which is odd since I don't usually have cravings. I guess the stress of the day finally took over.

I didn't walk yesterday, but I do feel like doing so today. That is good.

I cold wrote to seven local hospices yesterday and sent my resume. It took nearly all day and I had to keep pushing myself on auto-pilot to get it done. Usually one "hears" through the grapevine when there is an opening, but perhaps I will be able to place my name in the que for future openings...?

I have discovered a treasure in the old books I've been lugging around for 20 years. I mentioned the little ole lady I met in CA named Ruby... we scoured bookshops to find her a collection of Emily Loring books and also Grace Livingston Hill. I bought some and never read them. They are perfectly delightful! The Loring books are old fashioned, wholesome romances with a twist of Nancy Drew-like mystery. I am having such fun reading them! I've had the experience of longing for something only to find it already in my possession many times. This is one of those times. Now. If I can just find my stamina to continue this trek through the desert...ho, ho, ho.

Michael Byron

o.h. m.y.
One never knows what the day will bring. Michael's daughter just called me from MA to tell me that he is in the hospital. This is the man I have spoken to each and every day for the past year (up until about two weeks ago) and to whom I gave my heart and almost agreed to spend the rest of my life with until his "lifestyle" put an end to that. His stomach is very bloated and he's bleeding out from it. It doesn't sound good. They've not "named" it yet, but I've seen this before. His lifelong self-abuse with drugs and alcohol has finally caught-up with him and I fear he will die.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling. Many things at once. I'm sorely tempted to fly there, but cannot afford to. I'm tempted not to contact him as we had broken off our "relationship" and then I think I should call to offer my support...and my forgiveness...which I'm still hanging onto. Oh. my. I've never been in this position and it's just so ... so ... I don't even know what words to put to it. I am sure the chaplain in me will respond. However, the woman in me doesn't have a clue how to.

update:

Golly bum. My heart feels so heavy laden with sadness.
The chaplain called his cell phone which his daughter said is turned-off right now.
The woman left a message. The words wouldn't come easily, but he knows me so well...I know that he will hear me. :(

Kierkegaard

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. " - Soren Kierkegaard

Brothers

My boys just got into their second scuffle with each other. I had to pull the 20 year old off the 23 year old. My back is sore. Plus, the landlord and a plumber were here, replacing the garbage disposal, at the time! We looked like a house full of crazy people. My heart aches. I just feel like ... I don't know ... lost and so very alone. I want my mommy. I want to run away. Although I have no place to go and no money to get there. Life feels pretty sucky today.
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Later:
Sipping a bit of tawny port, I'm starting to feel a little better. I finally got the house warm enough. Seems like it took all day. I'm doing some ontological reflection tonight. Searching again for the essence of things, the isness of my being. Trying to see it not as depressing, but as essential: real. For whatever reason. Hoping the rest of the dross will be burned off soon enough for me to find my peace, my bliss, my happiness. Now along with the not yet.

Of course I could have just gone stone cold crazy too. Who knows.

Ballsey

Work Source - Unemployment 'help' for the State of Texas. I just attended my first orientation. I was a few min. late and so I walked in and went to the front row to sit down. The instructor stopped to comment that I am the first person she's ever seen who came in late and marched right up to the front row. She said it was "ballsey" and I said "thank you." She and I both considered being called "ballsey" a positive compliment. :laugh:

A lot of information and then a mini job-fair where I left three resumes. I walked out feeling overwhelmed. I will go back though.

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon, but the job only pays $10.50 per hour and that's less than 1/3 what I was making. Oyi. O, God...please help me.

Daughter has what I think is her first migrane headache. With her being pregnant I wasn't sure what to suggest other than a cold compress and to lie down. She did and went to sleep. Thank goodness. I think she's major-league stressed out. Baby Daddy leaving today or tomorrow to go "home" for the holidays and I think it will be good for her to get some time away from him. That's all I'm sayin' about that.

I'm going to take my walk today. First have to run son #1 to work.

Listening and Politics

Just read some good quotes on the subject and they seem to speak to me today.

LISTENING

"Most of us tend to suffer from ‘agenda anxiety’, the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what we think they might want to say to us." -- Nido Qubein

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -- Stephen Covey

"A professional knows when his or her most effective presentation is not to give one. Do you have clients who are having a bad day? Don't try to sell to them. Do try to listen to them and earn their trust." -- Tom Hopkins

"If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you must consent to be taught many things which you already know." -- Johann Caspar Lavater
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"President Bush's policy in Iraq "is not working," the Iraq Study Group said in releasing its long-awaited report."CNN

um.
well.
duh.

I'm sorry to bring up American politics, but the memory of the man in a brown uniform standing at our door saying to my mom "...we regret to inform you that you son, PFC Bruce E. Bowers has been killed in action...in Vietnam..." is just such a solid reminder of what is going on all over our country again. It's just not right.

Ben and Jerry's "Chunky Monkey"

I should have never bought the small box of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. I always wondered what it tastes like and now I know. It's a small peice of heaven on earth. Ice cream is not something I usually buy and it made me realize I'm feeling a different kind of anxiety right now.

The people in the little church I'm serving through the holidays ALL chose to remove their masks yesterday! I was exausted once I finally got on the road to come home. Several of them needed to tell me their life stories with so much information...and I still don't even have everyone's names down pat. And then the little ole' power ladies took me to lunch and spent most of the time trying to fill me in on the former pastor's failings which gave me great insight into the dynamics of the group itself and I don't know that I'm right for them. The scary thing is that I think they want me. I must admit that I can preach and do lead worship with a special annointing. I love it. However, I am not strong when it comes to church politics and leading in the midst of dysfunction. Also, I'm worn out from the tiresome battles that occur from some of the men (and a few ladies) in the congregation who find it difficult to allow a woman to lead. I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain.

God, ...I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain. Please help me to find a position in that arena soon...if it be thy will. Amen.

Later Reflection: _______________________________________________________________

It's like I don't see the "switch" coming. In most things really. Let me try to put into words. I have preached off and on for this congregation for about two years. This last 'hire' I have now preached...about four Sundays with one off between the first and second and the third and fourth (yesterday). All of the preaching events have been pretty much the same. I go...I preach...someone takes me to lunch. it's all rather surface-like with positive smiles all around and polite distance. Then BOOM. Yesterday it appeared that they have accepted me as their regular pastor (which I'm not according to polity) and let down their guards and opened up.

Now, on one hand that is a good thing. It means they trust me and have respect for my gifts and talents. On the other hand - I didn't see it coming and why not?! What happened from Sunday before last to this Sunday that made the difference? I suppose parking lot conversation which is powerful. I know about that and in hind sight I always see it's influence on group-think. But I wasn't expecting to go there and all of a sudden feel "responsible" to a flock.

I think the way I'm going to approach this is as an interim pastor - come to heal what I can and make-way for the regular pastor to come later. This is usually the way things are 'named' in such situations, but the two presbyteries have not gotten involved, it seems. I know they have had someone from their presbytery come to moderate their session meetings twice, but yesterday they said they think they have "fallen through the cracks" and they can't do that.

Oh.

My mind just split into six other tracks of thinking which all involve politics from the larger church and it grips my stomach with fear and trembling. I don't think I can go there again... I'm not cut out for this. I can love them. I can serve them - I can proclaim the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but they're going to have to deal with their politics. I guess I saw that this "could" happen and it sounded exciting until it became reality. Now it's scary. Oh, dear...oh, dear. God...really...what were you thinking? Why me?
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"What are the politics?"

Oh. dear. What a good question. It's multi-layered.

Um. Well. According to polity - their local church session would have to approach their Presbytery and ask them to approve the relationship between the church and me. Then our relationship would have to be defined - "Interim", "pulpit supply" or "called pastor". Then I would have to go to my presbytery and request to serve outside the bounds of my presbytery which may or may not be approved since this is a PCUSA church and I am Cumberland Presbyterian. If it were approved by both sides - no problem - I'd be received into the PCUSA presbytery and go forward. If my presbytery required me to make a choice I'd have to/want to stay where I am and couldn't serve the Taylor church anymore and I need/want to do that right now.

Our church history has left some long standing "bad blood" between the two denominations. Long story short...Cumberlands broke off from the main Presbyterian church around the turn of last century due to the theological doctrine of predestination and the educational requirements of pastors. The churches came back together years later and joined their resources. Then they broke-off again and most of the properties went to the PCUSA church even when they were originally Cumberland built.

The PCUSA has little problem with us (other than an occasional looking down their noses) but Cumberlands are a proud (read stubborn) group of predominantly men who live in the past too much.

So. You have the basic structure of how all this 'should' or 'could' work. Then you have the dynamics that are not so easily defined. There are some in my denomination that would see my request as a desertion. Even though they have not been particularly helpful in terms of supporting my call to ministry at the local level and in fact, have been rather...punishing...?...because of the larger church being more ready to embrace women in ministry and my getting extra attention. They might see this as a way to get rid of me by passing me onto the PCUSA, but they might fight to keep me too as I seem to be seen as valuable to the administrative folk in TN.

It gets more complicated by the existence of what we call "Union Churches" here in Austin and San Antonio which are two congregations serving together and answering to both PCUSA presbytery and Cumberland Presbytery. I have attempted to serve these chruches at the presbyterial level in the past and have both been blocked as well as co-opted in my attempts to make progress toward better communications and helping to make the unions work. I spend a lot of time being co-opted and blocked by the younger men of our presbytery. The older fellows love me and protect me, but the younger ones see me as a threat. I'm the only female ever to serve a church in our presbytery so they're not real sure what to do with me for the most part.

Anyway...the man who has come to moderate the session of this little congregation happens to be one of the pastors of one of our union churches. He and I served together once during the installation of one of our pastors. He was the only PCUSA pastor there and I was the only female pastor there. The "men" didn't think I should be allowed to process all the way up to the sanctuary and I was asked to remain in the nave, on the front row, as the men went forward - which I quietly did so as not to disrupt the proceedings. The PCUSA pastor thought this barbaric (and me too, but I have a special tolerance for it) and he doesn't think too highly of Cumberlands because of it. Therefore, as their assigned moderator he has great influence into whether or not the local church would put my name forward to their presbytery which could bring up all kinds of history that I would just as soon not have to revisit. I prefer to quietly go about serving as best as I can and not make waves...even though I used to be a rebel in bluejeans. sigh. Anyway - I just don't know that I'm ready to go back into the ring, ya know?

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DSNYDER wrote:

Fascinating. I've heard of Cumberland Presby's, of course, but know little of the history. I'll have to read up.

Sounds like being a pioneer has been "interesting."
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Yes, it has been very interesting. Methinks it is the bulk of my call really. Not many women would put up with what I have. However, if you watch the black men in America serving regardless of the age old discrimination...and the certainty that they will not become accepted Presidents in their lifetime - it's not so uncommon. We do what we do regardless of consequences in hope that our tolerance and perseverance might pave the way for future generations when the time comes to fullness for humanity to behave more like Christians oughtta...if they ever do. It's about God and not about us though. God is faithful regardless and requires nothing less from each one of us. Like Jeremiah, I live with my despair knowing that God is still my rock and my foundation upon which I can stand securely despite the sufferings in this life. I guess staying with the Cumberlands is my way of "buying the land" in hopefulness for the future.
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>>"Yes, buy the land. Maybe your calling is to serve a church again, afterall."

and thus the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey!

>>"I had a clergy friend years ago who had a sign in her office. It said: "To succeed women have to be twice a good as men. Fortunately this is not very hard."

LOL, I love it. Of course I keep such "knowledge" verrrry close to my own heart as "the boys" don't have much of a sense of humor regarding such things. I also like the one that says: "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History" and that one I 'might' be able to get away with...but I'm not going to try it anytime soon. Maybe in another decade or so...if I last that long.

Spiritual Eyes

"Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people." - Mother Teresa

I generally have little problem loving the people I meet. I simply love people, even when they disappoint me. I know I will feel ever so much better once I am able to move out of this house which is now too expensive for my budget. My lease isn't up for six more months and I sure don't have enough money to put a deposit onto something else right now anyway. Oh, God...I need a job and I know you know that, God.

Real hope is never found in our attempts to influence God or change God into our way of viewing things. Real hope is found in God whose ways are not like our ways. God demands repentance, not merely feeling sorry, but a change of direction, a change of how we perceive things of this world.

The question is, "How do I do this?" What would this look like in my day? Am I so committed to the way things are that I can’t see God the way God really is? Do I hear my voice and my wishes instead of hearing Gods voice and Gods wishes?

I always thought that I perceived things of this world in a spiritual way and yet...surely I didn't when I signed onto this lease? I don't need a house this big nor this beautiful. I don't "need" half of the things I own. God's ways are not like our ways. All I need is to love...to love better...to love more.

Lord, help me to love more...help me to love better. Help me. O Lord.
Amen.

Prayer For My Children

Prayer for My Children's Independence


Lord help me not to do for my children
what they can do for themselves

Help me not to give them
what they can earn for themselves

Help me not to tell them
what they can look up for themselves.

Help me to help my children stand on
their own two feet and to grow into
responsible, disciplined adults.


- Marian Wright Edelman