Hired!

I got the Jah-obs! I got the jah-obs! Oh, yeah...I got the JOBS!!

Hired: Heart to Heart Hospice!
Hired: First Presbyterian Church!

Woo Hoo!

I a.m. soooo freakin' HAPPY!!

Have not worked out hours or pay for either position yet. But I got the jobs! Both of 'em! Two part-time positions to equal a whole! Yee Ha!

I am so blessed. The best of both worlds! Hospice chaplain and church pastor BOTH! Thanks be to God!

Heart to Heart

I am sooo excited! I just got a call-back from one of the cold-call letters I sent to all the area hospices! I'm still playing phone tag with the chaplain there, but spoke to the director who was very nice! They want to meet with me next week for an interview!! They have an opening for a PRN chaplain which would be absolutely PERFECT to go with my part-time pastorate! Woo Hoo!

16 weeks

I feel like my head is full of rocks this morning. I was up all night helping to deliver a 16 week fetus. He was perfectly formed! Momma just didn't have a strong enough cervix to keep him in. So sad. My daughter is 16 weeks along and she and I were looking at her pregancy book to see what her baby looks like when I got the call to come to hospital. The book only had a pic of a 14 wk and then jumped to 20 wks. We were wondering what her baby looks like at 16 weeks. I really didn't want such intimate knowledge, but I got it. Fully formed. Golf ball sized head, perfect little legs, feet, hands etc. His little lips were so beautiful... He fit perfectly in my hand and it broke my heart to weigh him and measure him. While I had him on the scale I swear I saw his little lungs try to take one breath. This is NOT work for the faint of heart. They named him Miguel and I gave him a birth/death blessing commending his little spirit to God. These are the kind of images that burn right into one's brain forever.

My daughter just left to go for a doctor appt. Her father is here from WA State for the holidays and he went with her. The baby's father is in Mineloa with his family for the holidays. Lo wants to have her dad go and pick up her best friend, Megan, so she can go with her. I don't know if he'll drive down to South Austin to pick her up or not. I hope so. He's not the most compassionate or cooperative man. duh.

Later:

I ended up going with my daughter to the doctor. Life with their dad often changes on a dime. They did an ultrasound and everything looks good. We saw no evidence of scrotum, but it's still too early to be sure if it's a girl. Laura almost cried at the sight of this little person moving around inside her. The baby was in a breech position so it made it harder to see much. Oh. my. oh. my. oh. my. My baby girl is gonna be a momma.

A Christmas Blessing!

I squeezed into a pair of traditional blue jeans today and I can't believe how wonderfully stabilizing they feel to my low-back! I've been wearing nothing but sweat-pants since I lost my job and they're waaay too cozy. The jeans feel like a girdle of sorts and ease the pain in my back! Who'da thunk it?

I am absolutely amazed and nearly dazed at how easily this call to the FPC, Taylor is going so far. My committee on ministry - representative - from Presbytery sent me an excited blessing on the call and does not think it will be difficult to receive permission to labor within the bounds of a PCUSA presbytery! I have made my official request now and unless some of the young, strutting roosters decide to give me a hassle...this could go through like clock-work! The church just sent me their first "official" request to meet for discussion of said call and I've asked them to put their request into Mission Presbytery for their permission to serve them. Wow! How exciting is this?! What a fine Christmas blessing! I meet with the session for lunch tomorrow! Woo Hoo! The PCUSA has minimum standards for a pay scale too and so this will be a real "job" as well!! Probably part-time, but that's o.k. by me. If I can snag a part-time position with a local hospice...I've got two parts to make a whole! ...shar, doin' the happy dance...
________________________________________
clhagan
2006-12-19 10:34:35

All of your steps to go through with the presbytery confuse me. It sounds like everything is working out, yes? Does this mean you could/might become the pastor at this church you've been preaching at lately? I hope so. Sorry if I sound like a dummy, I just didnt know it took all these requests and permissions to be a pastor somewhere! I hope you get this all worked out before Christmas so that you can relax and enjoy some stress-free time, you really deserve it!
_________________________________________
Cynthia, In mainline, reformed churches we work within a highly structured system of polity to insure that my education; ordination; reputation; and integrity meet the standards set by "the church" so that the people are protected. Yes, it will mean that I'll become the regularly called pastor of the little church I've been serving! It will be an interesting call as this little church has been through the ringer for the past three years and are in need of healing. God is good and faithful and so are these people, so I anticipate a tremendous mutual blessing in the year/years ahead!
_________________________________________
Oh...my...goodness...

I am discovering that in addition to a salary I will be offered a housing allowance plus a utility allowance; automobile allowance; study leave and book allowance! I am on my knees in thanksgiving! My denomination found a way to deny me these "perks" when I served in one of our churches for a fraction of what the male clergy receive in salary. Oh, my.

Conversation

Ahh, sweet relief. I woke-up with my low-back feeling better today. Thanks be to God! I snuggled closely with the heating pad most of yesterday afternoon and evening. Whew. What a relief. It's still kind of sore and weak feeling, but responds to my own little finger massages today. I should be as good as 52 gets again in a day or so.

Got my first weekly report on the new CK site. I only achieved three green checks for the week. I wasn't too terribly off on the other days, but none-the-less I'll have to do better. I am reluctantly getting used to the new site and see some helpful aspects to it that the other one didn't have. I'm sure once they work out the bugs it will be fine.

One week until Christmas. Being unemployed has the benefit of not having to deal with holiday shopping. Santa will not come to our house this year and I really don't even care. We found a pitiful little Charlie Brown; fake, table-top tree in the garage and put it up. My daughter put out some Christmas lights on the porch and things look festive enough. Luckily the kids will receive gifts from their father who is in a much better place financially than I. His gifts sound like they will be quite generous this year. I think it is a good lesson for my kids to be learning...to see the direct connection between employment and life as usual...or not. I hope to be able to budget enough from the next unemployment check to provide, at least, a token pair of slippers for each one of them. Our floors are mostly ceramic tile and they get chilly. Anyway - these are not the important things about the holiday and my children know that, thank goodness. They have all left the church, but went with me enough as children that surely they will return someday when life reaches the point that they begin to wonder again...

I don't think I will attempt a regular walk around the block today. Just navigating the homestead will be challenge enough. I'll keep moving though, because it seems the right thing to do. It keeps the body loose. I will watch my food intake carefully and keep it within limits given the lack of exercise. At least that is my goal. Luckily I lose my appetite when I'm under the weather for any reason so that should help.

"God is good all the time, oh yes, I'm glad that He's a friend of mine." - Babbie Mason
___________________________________________

Well. I just began "conversation" with my presbytery about the call to FPC, Taylor. It will be facinating to watch "the good ole' boys" deal with this. I have no idea what the outcome will be. On one hand they may wish to be shed of me. On the other hand they realize the PC value of keeping their only female 'performer' as it were. We shall see.

"The beautiful souls are they that are universal, open, and ready for all things." - Montaigne, "Of Presumption"

ho ho ho

I woke up feeling 'thinner' for some reason. At least my tummy is deflated. Go figger. I did well yesterday eating until late last night when I lost it and ate a bunch of potato chips! I was craving them which is odd since I don't usually have cravings. I guess the stress of the day finally took over.

I didn't walk yesterday, but I do feel like doing so today. That is good.

I cold wrote to seven local hospices yesterday and sent my resume. It took nearly all day and I had to keep pushing myself on auto-pilot to get it done. Usually one "hears" through the grapevine when there is an opening, but perhaps I will be able to place my name in the que for future openings...?

I have discovered a treasure in the old books I've been lugging around for 20 years. I mentioned the little ole lady I met in CA named Ruby... we scoured bookshops to find her a collection of Emily Loring books and also Grace Livingston Hill. I bought some and never read them. They are perfectly delightful! The Loring books are old fashioned, wholesome romances with a twist of Nancy Drew-like mystery. I am having such fun reading them! I've had the experience of longing for something only to find it already in my possession many times. This is one of those times. Now. If I can just find my stamina to continue this trek through the desert...ho, ho, ho.

Michael Byron

o.h. m.y.
One never knows what the day will bring. Michael's daughter just called me from MA to tell me that he is in the hospital. This is the man I have spoken to each and every day for the past year (up until about two weeks ago) and to whom I gave my heart and almost agreed to spend the rest of my life with until his "lifestyle" put an end to that. His stomach is very bloated and he's bleeding out from it. It doesn't sound good. They've not "named" it yet, but I've seen this before. His lifelong self-abuse with drugs and alcohol has finally caught-up with him and I fear he will die.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm feeling. Many things at once. I'm sorely tempted to fly there, but cannot afford to. I'm tempted not to contact him as we had broken off our "relationship" and then I think I should call to offer my support...and my forgiveness...which I'm still hanging onto. Oh. my. I've never been in this position and it's just so ... so ... I don't even know what words to put to it. I am sure the chaplain in me will respond. However, the woman in me doesn't have a clue how to.

update:

Golly bum. My heart feels so heavy laden with sadness.
The chaplain called his cell phone which his daughter said is turned-off right now.
The woman left a message. The words wouldn't come easily, but he knows me so well...I know that he will hear me. :(

Kierkegaard

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself. " - Soren Kierkegaard

Brothers

My boys just got into their second scuffle with each other. I had to pull the 20 year old off the 23 year old. My back is sore. Plus, the landlord and a plumber were here, replacing the garbage disposal, at the time! We looked like a house full of crazy people. My heart aches. I just feel like ... I don't know ... lost and so very alone. I want my mommy. I want to run away. Although I have no place to go and no money to get there. Life feels pretty sucky today.
______________________________________________
Later:
Sipping a bit of tawny port, I'm starting to feel a little better. I finally got the house warm enough. Seems like it took all day. I'm doing some ontological reflection tonight. Searching again for the essence of things, the isness of my being. Trying to see it not as depressing, but as essential: real. For whatever reason. Hoping the rest of the dross will be burned off soon enough for me to find my peace, my bliss, my happiness. Now along with the not yet.

Of course I could have just gone stone cold crazy too. Who knows.

Ballsey

Work Source - Unemployment 'help' for the State of Texas. I just attended my first orientation. I was a few min. late and so I walked in and went to the front row to sit down. The instructor stopped to comment that I am the first person she's ever seen who came in late and marched right up to the front row. She said it was "ballsey" and I said "thank you." She and I both considered being called "ballsey" a positive compliment. :laugh:

A lot of information and then a mini job-fair where I left three resumes. I walked out feeling overwhelmed. I will go back though.

I have an interview tomorrow afternoon, but the job only pays $10.50 per hour and that's less than 1/3 what I was making. Oyi. O, God...please help me.

Daughter has what I think is her first migrane headache. With her being pregnant I wasn't sure what to suggest other than a cold compress and to lie down. She did and went to sleep. Thank goodness. I think she's major-league stressed out. Baby Daddy leaving today or tomorrow to go "home" for the holidays and I think it will be good for her to get some time away from him. That's all I'm sayin' about that.

I'm going to take my walk today. First have to run son #1 to work.

Listening and Politics

Just read some good quotes on the subject and they seem to speak to me today.

LISTENING

"Most of us tend to suffer from ‘agenda anxiety’, the feeling that what we want to say to others is more important than what we think they might want to say to us." -- Nido Qubein

"Seek first to understand, then to be understood." -- Stephen Covey

"A professional knows when his or her most effective presentation is not to give one. Do you have clients who are having a bad day? Don't try to sell to them. Do try to listen to them and earn their trust." -- Tom Hopkins

"If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you must consent to be taught many things which you already know." -- Johann Caspar Lavater
______________________________________________________________
"President Bush's policy in Iraq "is not working," the Iraq Study Group said in releasing its long-awaited report."CNN

um.
well.
duh.

I'm sorry to bring up American politics, but the memory of the man in a brown uniform standing at our door saying to my mom "...we regret to inform you that you son, PFC Bruce E. Bowers has been killed in action...in Vietnam..." is just such a solid reminder of what is going on all over our country again. It's just not right.

Ben and Jerry's "Chunky Monkey"

I should have never bought the small box of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. I always wondered what it tastes like and now I know. It's a small peice of heaven on earth. Ice cream is not something I usually buy and it made me realize I'm feeling a different kind of anxiety right now.

The people in the little church I'm serving through the holidays ALL chose to remove their masks yesterday! I was exausted once I finally got on the road to come home. Several of them needed to tell me their life stories with so much information...and I still don't even have everyone's names down pat. And then the little ole' power ladies took me to lunch and spent most of the time trying to fill me in on the former pastor's failings which gave me great insight into the dynamics of the group itself and I don't know that I'm right for them. The scary thing is that I think they want me. I must admit that I can preach and do lead worship with a special annointing. I love it. However, I am not strong when it comes to church politics and leading in the midst of dysfunction. Also, I'm worn out from the tiresome battles that occur from some of the men (and a few ladies) in the congregation who find it difficult to allow a woman to lead. I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain.

God, ...I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain. Please help me to find a position in that arena soon...if it be thy will. Amen.

Later Reflection: _______________________________________________________________

It's like I don't see the "switch" coming. In most things really. Let me try to put into words. I have preached off and on for this congregation for about two years. This last 'hire' I have now preached...about four Sundays with one off between the first and second and the third and fourth (yesterday). All of the preaching events have been pretty much the same. I go...I preach...someone takes me to lunch. it's all rather surface-like with positive smiles all around and polite distance. Then BOOM. Yesterday it appeared that they have accepted me as their regular pastor (which I'm not according to polity) and let down their guards and opened up.

Now, on one hand that is a good thing. It means they trust me and have respect for my gifts and talents. On the other hand - I didn't see it coming and why not?! What happened from Sunday before last to this Sunday that made the difference? I suppose parking lot conversation which is powerful. I know about that and in hind sight I always see it's influence on group-think. But I wasn't expecting to go there and all of a sudden feel "responsible" to a flock.

I think the way I'm going to approach this is as an interim pastor - come to heal what I can and make-way for the regular pastor to come later. This is usually the way things are 'named' in such situations, but the two presbyteries have not gotten involved, it seems. I know they have had someone from their presbytery come to moderate their session meetings twice, but yesterday they said they think they have "fallen through the cracks" and they can't do that.

Oh.

My mind just split into six other tracks of thinking which all involve politics from the larger church and it grips my stomach with fear and trembling. I don't think I can go there again... I'm not cut out for this. I can love them. I can serve them - I can proclaim the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but they're going to have to deal with their politics. I guess I saw that this "could" happen and it sounded exciting until it became reality. Now it's scary. Oh, dear...oh, dear. God...really...what were you thinking? Why me?
______________________________________________________________________
"What are the politics?"

Oh. dear. What a good question. It's multi-layered.

Um. Well. According to polity - their local church session would have to approach their Presbytery and ask them to approve the relationship between the church and me. Then our relationship would have to be defined - "Interim", "pulpit supply" or "called pastor". Then I would have to go to my presbytery and request to serve outside the bounds of my presbytery which may or may not be approved since this is a PCUSA church and I am Cumberland Presbyterian. If it were approved by both sides - no problem - I'd be received into the PCUSA presbytery and go forward. If my presbytery required me to make a choice I'd have to/want to stay where I am and couldn't serve the Taylor church anymore and I need/want to do that right now.

Our church history has left some long standing "bad blood" between the two denominations. Long story short...Cumberlands broke off from the main Presbyterian church around the turn of last century due to the theological doctrine of predestination and the educational requirements of pastors. The churches came back together years later and joined their resources. Then they broke-off again and most of the properties went to the PCUSA church even when they were originally Cumberland built.

The PCUSA has little problem with us (other than an occasional looking down their noses) but Cumberlands are a proud (read stubborn) group of predominantly men who live in the past too much.

So. You have the basic structure of how all this 'should' or 'could' work. Then you have the dynamics that are not so easily defined. There are some in my denomination that would see my request as a desertion. Even though they have not been particularly helpful in terms of supporting my call to ministry at the local level and in fact, have been rather...punishing...?...because of the larger church being more ready to embrace women in ministry and my getting extra attention. They might see this as a way to get rid of me by passing me onto the PCUSA, but they might fight to keep me too as I seem to be seen as valuable to the administrative folk in TN.

It gets more complicated by the existence of what we call "Union Churches" here in Austin and San Antonio which are two congregations serving together and answering to both PCUSA presbytery and Cumberland Presbytery. I have attempted to serve these chruches at the presbyterial level in the past and have both been blocked as well as co-opted in my attempts to make progress toward better communications and helping to make the unions work. I spend a lot of time being co-opted and blocked by the younger men of our presbytery. The older fellows love me and protect me, but the younger ones see me as a threat. I'm the only female ever to serve a church in our presbytery so they're not real sure what to do with me for the most part.

Anyway...the man who has come to moderate the session of this little congregation happens to be one of the pastors of one of our union churches. He and I served together once during the installation of one of our pastors. He was the only PCUSA pastor there and I was the only female pastor there. The "men" didn't think I should be allowed to process all the way up to the sanctuary and I was asked to remain in the nave, on the front row, as the men went forward - which I quietly did so as not to disrupt the proceedings. The PCUSA pastor thought this barbaric (and me too, but I have a special tolerance for it) and he doesn't think too highly of Cumberlands because of it. Therefore, as their assigned moderator he has great influence into whether or not the local church would put my name forward to their presbytery which could bring up all kinds of history that I would just as soon not have to revisit. I prefer to quietly go about serving as best as I can and not make waves...even though I used to be a rebel in bluejeans. sigh. Anyway - I just don't know that I'm ready to go back into the ring, ya know?

-------------------------------------------------------------
DSNYDER wrote:

Fascinating. I've heard of Cumberland Presby's, of course, but know little of the history. I'll have to read up.

Sounds like being a pioneer has been "interesting."
_____________________________________________________________________

Yes, it has been very interesting. Methinks it is the bulk of my call really. Not many women would put up with what I have. However, if you watch the black men in America serving regardless of the age old discrimination...and the certainty that they will not become accepted Presidents in their lifetime - it's not so uncommon. We do what we do regardless of consequences in hope that our tolerance and perseverance might pave the way for future generations when the time comes to fullness for humanity to behave more like Christians oughtta...if they ever do. It's about God and not about us though. God is faithful regardless and requires nothing less from each one of us. Like Jeremiah, I live with my despair knowing that God is still my rock and my foundation upon which I can stand securely despite the sufferings in this life. I guess staying with the Cumberlands is my way of "buying the land" in hopefulness for the future.
_________________________________________________________________

>>"Yes, buy the land. Maybe your calling is to serve a church again, afterall."

and thus the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey!

>>"I had a clergy friend years ago who had a sign in her office. It said: "To succeed women have to be twice a good as men. Fortunately this is not very hard."

LOL, I love it. Of course I keep such "knowledge" verrrry close to my own heart as "the boys" don't have much of a sense of humor regarding such things. I also like the one that says: "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History" and that one I 'might' be able to get away with...but I'm not going to try it anytime soon. Maybe in another decade or so...if I last that long.

Spiritual Eyes

"Go out into the world today and love the people you meet. Let your presence light new light in the hearts of people." - Mother Teresa

I generally have little problem loving the people I meet. I simply love people, even when they disappoint me. I know I will feel ever so much better once I am able to move out of this house which is now too expensive for my budget. My lease isn't up for six more months and I sure don't have enough money to put a deposit onto something else right now anyway. Oh, God...I need a job and I know you know that, God.

Real hope is never found in our attempts to influence God or change God into our way of viewing things. Real hope is found in God whose ways are not like our ways. God demands repentance, not merely feeling sorry, but a change of direction, a change of how we perceive things of this world.

The question is, "How do I do this?" What would this look like in my day? Am I so committed to the way things are that I can’t see God the way God really is? Do I hear my voice and my wishes instead of hearing Gods voice and Gods wishes?

I always thought that I perceived things of this world in a spiritual way and yet...surely I didn't when I signed onto this lease? I don't need a house this big nor this beautiful. I don't "need" half of the things I own. God's ways are not like our ways. All I need is to love...to love better...to love more.

Lord, help me to love more...help me to love better. Help me. O Lord.
Amen.

Prayer For My Children

Prayer for My Children's Independence


Lord help me not to do for my children
what they can do for themselves

Help me not to give them
what they can earn for themselves

Help me not to tell them
what they can look up for themselves.

Help me to help my children stand on
their own two feet and to grow into
responsible, disciplined adults.


- Marian Wright Edelman

Coyotes in Our Hood

I have a household of young people (my kids) who each have a couple of McJobs with varying schedules. Two of my boys were up smoking a cigarette out on the porch at 3:00 a.m. today. They observed three coyotes. One was crossing the street from our next door neighbor's house, headed to the open field that is across from the houses there. The first one boldly crossed and then stopped in the yard of the blue house by the field to stare at my boys once he heard them talking. Soon two others came around the corner of that house. The boys say they were HUGE! Needless to say the boys came inside.
G o o d n.e.s.s.
http://www.nwf.org/nationalwildlife/article.cfm?issueID=110&articleID=1404

Brigitte London

I'm soooo sleepy right now and can't go love my bed for another...eight hours, at least. On-call last night and got paged at 4:00 a.m. 55 year old man dying. Stayed w/wife until other chaplain came in at 9:30 a.m. She asked me to come back at 12:30 to work four more hours. Of course I said 'sure', but I gotta keep my eyes open. BTW, my 44 year old cardiac patient is alive, awake and talkin' til we're all blue in the face! Never would have expected that unconscious body to make so much racket. He had an epiphany yesterday and his marriage and family is in the process of renewal and healing. Thanks be to God!

I was up late last night listening to some good home grown music at a local pub. It was great. I really resonated with the singer, Brigitte London, and she "just knew" that she knew me from someplace. I think it was simply the holy in her meeting the holy in me and recognizing it. Very cool anyway.

Gotta run my daughter downtown for school. Thank goodness she went back and will hopefully get her diploma before the baby comes. She's tired and cranky which is such fun for all of us. NOT.

Anyway, I've got some peice work. I'm relatively healthy. My kids are all o.k. so HEY, I am blessed. TBTG! Plus, I get to go to sleep in about eight hours (but whose watching the clock?).

Winds of Change?

Oh, my. It is a rather blustery day outside. I love it when it's windy and the sun is shining. There's a wee-bit of a nip in the air, but not much.

I'm feeling somewhat better today for some reason. The comments from the A$$ of a doctor last night are not really bothering me too much. I figure if he's that shallow...poor him.

Still no word on ANY of my applications. I am going to try to redo my resume. I think I can do one that looks more interesting than the one page tome I have now. I think it's best to keep it to one page, but if I can do a better one on two pages...it would be worth it to get calls. I can write. I may as well utilize that talent for myself. We'll see.

Just took my walk around the hilly neighborhood. It felt good. My legs are tingling. The winds are so high it created some resistance which was good. I'm going out tonight to listen to some good 'ole Austin live music. Brigitte London is a local artist who is going to play along with some others. It's about time I took advantage of some of the cool stuff Austin has to offer. No point sitting around mopin' and hopin' for something different than what I've got. I've actually got some pretty good things in my life right here where I am. TBTG!

Bad Day

TUES 14 Nov 06 - I just want to s.c.r.e.a.m. I keep waking up hoping that there will be an email asking me to come in for a second interview or offering me a job or something. I keep hoping all the collection calls that start at 8:30 a.m. will be someone calling me for an interview. Nada. If I didn't think screaming would scare the crickets outside, I'd do it.

7:00 p.m. I am on-call for the hospital. I just got called in the formulate advance directives for a gentleman. While there - I was standing at the counter doing my charting and two doctors were right in front of me talking about some female movie star that one of them wanted to date. He said to the other one: "Heck, with her making 20 million dollars a year I'd marry her and consider it my job to make her happy, hell I'd carry her baby for her if I could." I looked up and stupidly said: "Gosh, I wish *I* made 20 million dollars a year (thinking it would pay some bills!). He looked at me and said, very boldly...wait...are you ready for what he said to me?!! He said: "If you'd get your breasts done, a tummy tuck and generally take off 20 years you might get somewhere." Honest to goodness it's what that man said to me! I am cycling through feeling shocked; crushed; and furious. I didn't say anything back to him as I felt like he'd slapped me down to the ground! I couldn't believe it. As if I needed to hear THAT with already feeling like a washed-out failure.

My life feels like one crushing defeat after another.

The Tea House

Just had a lovely lunch with Donna C. the Social Worker I worked with at the hospice. Such a nice woman. Such a nice meal! Light, non-greasy yummy Chinese food. It would have been nice to have had longer to visit.

Seems my ex-boss is in the hospital with serious heart problems and the mean HR lady's husband had a heart attack the same night. Weird. The young, blond, bubble head who fired me is now running the whole shebang! Goodness. At least I've learned that they didn't allow her to replace me with the cute, young, male chaplain she brought in. They apparently did a verrry careful search for someone qualified and reamed all of them out soundly for what they did with me. I guess it caused some tension, eh? I don't want to see these folks sick with heart problems, but there would have been much less stress all the way around had the young blond been handled properly and promptly and some of this prevented. :( Ah, well...at least I'm out of that dysfunctional office. I do miss my patients, my ministry and my paychecks though.

LOVE

Ah, now there's a topic I'm bound to come back to many times before this particular entry is complete. Just read the words of someone on a forum:

Love is a choice we make.
Yes, there MUST be fundamental compatibility,
mutual interests, mutual respect, if you are lucky initial infatuation,
however, day in day out, we make choices that either maintain and grow
or starve and kill love for another person, and their love for us.

Love is much much more about who we are,
than about who our mate is.

I really liked what this says. I consider myself to be a lifelong student of love. Not that I have been particularly successful in grasping it for my own life in terms of a partner, but a student none-the-less.

I remember being put into a high school counseling group for chronic skippers of classes. Mr. Bill Riccobono was the graduate student leading it for his field work. He didn't say goodbye to me when his term was up, but left me a handwritten note saying something like "LOVE, you just have to want it enough to be willing to work for it." Well, I sure want it enough and seem to work hard at it. It just isn't easy when the object of our affection isn't willing to make the commitment and sacrifices necessary to make it work.

I don't think I've ever given-up too easily. In fact, I've stayed far longer in most relationships than I probably should have. I have a tenacity that seems like it would lend itself to allowing the relationship and the other person to evolve and yet...love still eludes me. I can't count the number of times I've attempted a relationship and been taken for granted and then once I finally give-up the man begs me to come back. I cannot c.o.u.n.t. the times that has happened to me.

I don't know how to change whatever it is that allows them to keep playing with my heart until it's broken and shattered and hope is lost. I know I have a HUGE part in it. I guess I just don't stand-up strong enough for myself and what I want - or maybe I just do it wrong? I don't know.

That's all for now, but I'm certain I'll be back to this before too long.

"The conclusion is always the same: love is the most powerful and still the most unknown energy in the world." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

Deadbeats and Dirtbags

My life is filled with them right now and I need to CLEAR them out. May God and the universe align to help me. Now. Amen.

Money Makes the World Go Around

I am believing for renewed prosperity in my life - financially; mentally; physically; emotionally and spiritually. So be it. Amen.

Just got home from Half Price Bookstore. Bought 5 books. The other three books in the "Lonesome Dove" Series by Larry McMurtry - "Dead Man's Walk"; "Comanche Moon"; and "Streets of Laredo". I also got two books on how to survive a breakup - "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" and "The Heartbreak Handbook". Of course the three McMurtry books are part of my plan. Pathetic, eh? Try as I do, love continues to elude me. :-(

Ugh

That flu shot is still kickin' my butt. I feel so exhausted and achy. Going to bed early - which is desireable to me anyway as my life is just too blah right now to stay awake. :-(

Flu Shot

Got my flu shot yesterday. It wiped me out for 12 hours, but I feel nice and rested this morning. I'm so grateful to get that shot each year. It has made all the difference for me. I used to get soooo sick, at least once per season and sometimes twice, from the flu. Now I breeze on thru, TBTG.

Worked all day at the hospital yesterday and will go in four hours today. It is messing with my unemployment, but I'd rather be doing ministry than sitting around collecting bucks. I love my work soooo much.

I applied for another hospice position. Never did hear back from the lady at the Cancer Center. You'd think she'd have enough courtesy to inform me one way or the other. Maybe that's why she kept putting me off...maybe she just doesn't have the strength to say "sorry" and no. She didn't seem like a weenee to me though. Who knows. She was so generous with praise and compliments though...maybe it was all an act. People. .sigh.

Now, on with the day.

Commitment

"Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth - that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too." - W.H. Murray, The Story of Everest

Ah, yes...there it is. Without commitment there is no way for challenges to be overcome. Without commitment there is no way a relationship is going to work out. Without commitment there is no way for the future to move forward into the direction stated. Period.

Alfred Adler:
"We only regard those unions as real examples of love and real marriages in which a fixed and unalterable decision has been taken. If men or women contemplate an escape, they do not collect all their powers for the task. In none of the serious and important tasks of life do we arrange such a "getaway." We cannot love and be limited."

Rollo May:
"The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt."

"Many of our fears are tissue paper thin, and a single courageous step
would carry us clear through them." -- Brendan Francis [Behan] (1923-1964) Irish Author

Conflict Management

I have so many resources to consult on this topic and yet it just continues to elude me - interpersonal conflict - especially and specifically with partners. I remember the frustration of conflict due to perspective and perception that occurred when the kids' dad was just home from Desert Storm. We got a serious lesson in power and aggression (from our beloved government) and how it can destroy lives. It does the same thing in interpersonal relationships too and that is so very, very sad.

One person sees it one way and the other sees it another way. I guess the only way for progress to be made is if both parties can use a modicum of maturity and self-control to hear the other and attempt to find common ground, understanding and accommodation. If there is no foundation of love with commitment - this will not occur, of course.

There *has* to be a firm and true commitment and desire for a relationship to last. There has to be a willingness to overcome adversity and overcome obstacles...together. There has to be a willingness to be together and stay together until the situation/s are resolved...unless there is a personality disorder in one of the parties which makes resolution short-lived until the next conflict, which was the case in my first marriage. Maybe it is the hurt that is inflicted during conflict which erodes the desire to continue to struggle together. I think it's the struggle for power and control and the tools one chooses to use in order to accomplish the perceived win that can destroy. In these cases it's a lose/lose proposition - in personal relationships. :-(

I am beginning to think it is important that a couple be similar enough in educational background and experience to make a go of it. At least I think this is true in older folks trying to couple. There is just so much baggage that both bring into the relationship and in order to communicate on as many levels as possible...I'm starting to think equal education is imperative. The basic elements of the educational process which includes learning how to think critically, keep an open mind and not jump to conclusions are important tools.

This is clearly a task that I am trying to grapple with. I plan to start reading the literature I have on my shelves again to see if I can generalize the - business, congregational, et al - "conflict resolution" theories to personal relationships and see if I can't learn something that might be of use to me before I go forward into the wilderness of dating again. I have studied this with regard to human relationship in my school work and with life experience - but maybe I need to approach it from a different perspective and see if I can gain some insight that could be useful to me and a potential partner - should I be blessed with one again before I die.

Back in the Saddle

er...back in the pulpit. It feels good. I've missed it. It's a tiny little congregation with about 40 members. Only half of them attend right now. Apparently their most recent pastor "offended" a bunch. It happens. Too easily. Anyway, I'm only pulpit supply until the end of the year so it should be a nice honeymoon period to celebrate the holidays in. It will be interesting to see if the others come back.

I'm flirting with the idea of taking a lazy Sunday afternoon nap. I'm tired. Got up waaaay too early thanks to my son's dern cat who was slamming bathroom cupboard doors; scratching at the carpet by the door and meowing loudly. Not sure what the little ratfink wanted really. I was ready to open the window and toss him out into the backyard. I wouldn't do that, of course. But, I felt like it.

I work at the hospital again all day tomorrow. The day went really fast last Thursday - so much death - so many needs. Whew. I was draggin' by the time 5:00 p.m. came round. Renewed some aquaintances from the last time I filled in for Amy. That was nice. Would that she'd hire me for the part-time position that is kind of open. It's presently on freeze, but should be open again soon. Maybe...

ZEN

No matter how bad a state of mind you may get into, if you keep strong and hold out, eventually the floating clouds must vanish and the withering wind must cease. - Dogen

A bit of Zen wisdom to start my day. I think the clouds are fixin' to clear and the winds are getting less intense. They're still with me, but as each day comes I feel a little more at peace. TBTG.

I'm going to finish reading "Lonesome Dove" and I hate to see it end. It's such a good book. So interesting, so deep, so well written. Nothin' better than a good peice of literature in my mind.

I feel calm, if a little weak yet. It's o.k. I've a roof over my head and enough food to eat. Goodness knows I've got enough clothing to wear as my overflowing laundry hamper will attest to. It's all good in one way or another.

Movement on the Job Front

I just got a call from the chaplain at the hospital asking me to cover some days for her this month AND I just got an email from the little church in Taylor that has expressed an interest in calling me to serve there. They want me to be pulpit supply until the end of the year! That means I get to celebrate Christmas in liturgical leadership again!! Woo Hoo! What an early Christmas present this is for me. I am so excited. It could, indeed, turn into an official call in the New Year! I would be double ordained since the PCUSA would have to receive me into their presbytery in order for me to serve this congregation.

Well, I guess I'll be spending another holiday season alone. It's kind of like my life is going full circle. I suppose that's the way it is for me. I remember the Christmas when I was totally alone in my apartment when I was 20 something. It wasn't such a bad time. I do enjoy my own company and for that I'm grateful. Maybe I'll meet someone nice in the coming year. This was a prayer that a lovely lady sent to me today:

GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU...Everything that is going wrong in your life today shall be well with you this year. No matter how much your enemies try this year, "they will not" succeed. You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year. For the remaining months of this year (2006), all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings sorrows and pains because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you. He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down. I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me... My child! What can I do for you? And I said, "Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message"... God smiled and answered ... Request granted.

HOPE [In Japanese]

"Never let the odds keep you from pursuing what you know in your heart you were meant to do." - Satchel Paige

This quote might suggest that I keep my hopes up for a job in chaplaincy. In Austin there are about 3 chaplain jobs for every 35 ordained persons seeking them. And those three job openings don't happen too frequently. It's a tough market. I dunno what to do. I am applying for "other" positions in random fields that I think my experience and education could generalize to. So far, nothing. This sucks.

At least Amy called yesterday to have me fill-in for her at the hospital a couple days doing chaplaincy and then for several half-days formulating advance directives. Also, Mark called to have me fill his pulpit at the end of November. So I still get to keep my "feet-wet" as it were. Thanks be to God for that.

HOPE

"All human wisdom is summed up in two words - wait and hope." -- Alexander Dumas

"Hope is necessary in every condition. The miseries of poverty, sickness and captivity would, without this comfort, be insupportable." -- Samuel Johnson

"Everything that is done in the world is done by hope." -- Martin Luther

"A leader is a dealer in hope." -- Napoleon Bonaparte

"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to." - N. Smith

I don't know who N. Smith is, but he/she is right. Being reactive is the surest way to lose my own control over my feelings, thoughts, words and the situation. My reality becomes whatever the situation dictates.

O.K. That was a nice bit of reflection for this morning. Now what do I do for the rest of the day? I can't imagine living like this...unemployed...with no direction, focus, purpose or meaning. I don't know how I was an airforce wife for 13 years without cracking up. I guess I stayed busy having and raising babies and going to school. Speaking of school. WHY didn't I get a degree in something that would make me more employable?! I'm too old to go back now...at least I think I am. Maybe I should check it out and see if my bachelors and masters degrees could translate to another profession in a short amount of time. There. I've found a worthy task.

The Church Lady

It's Sunday and I just woke-up. I woke at the crack of dawn, but figured with the time change I had extra time to snooze so I did. As if when and how long I snooze matters when I have *nothing* to hang my time to now that I'm unemployed. It's an absolutely georgeous day outside. I knew it would be last night as I sat out back and gazed at the abundance of stars in the sky.

I think I'm not as good at being self-differentiated as I'd thought I was becoming. I've just been noticing lately that some of the things I say are not what I want to have come out of me. For example - I had a great opportunity for restoring a non-relationship and what I said was..."all I ask that you do is...blah, blah, blah." As if I have a right to ask anything of anybody and especially *this* person!

I remember a lady from my childhood who used to drive me bananas. She was so bossy, controlling and pushy about what she thought was the right way for our family to do things. She saw my blind, widowed mother as someone incapable of running her own life or raising us kids well. I couldn't stand this woman! My mom got frustrated with her too, but kept telling me I should be more patient because "she means well" - my mom was a saint. Anyway - I'm seeing some of Mrs. R. in myself today and I don't like it. Not one bit. To think that I have "church lady" characteristics just makes my stomach turn.

What does the phrase uva uvam vivendo varia fit mean?

The Latin phrase that appears on the Hat Creek Cattle Company sign in "Lonesome Dove" is a garbled corruption, and there's no direct translation. It derives from the scholia to Juvenal 2.81 which cites the proverb "uva uvam videndo varia fit" This means something like "a grape changes color [i.e., ripens] when it sees [another] grape"
Novelist Larry McMurtry probably intentionally misused the Latin, perhaps to make a point about Augustus McCrae's tenuous understanding of the language.
From there, any number of interpretations have arisen to explain why McMurtry chose to communicate that particular idea. Probably the soundest theory is that the phrase serves as a metaphor for the group's journey, as many of the story's characters go through a process of personal maturation and development. Much like grapes ripen in the presence of others.

from: the Southwest Collections at Southwest Texas State University. [see link]http://www.library.txstate.edu/swwc/ld/ldex081a1.html

Hmm, well the story tells us that Gus chose it because he liked the way it looked and it 'fit' the space he had on his sign. He doesn't know the translation, but apparently McMurtry did when he used it. It seems quite apropos to the story and to life in general, eh? Don't we all "ripen" in the presence of others. Quite a statement in support of being in community. Of course we sometimes "sour" in the presence of others as well. .sigh.

Cardinals take it.

It coulda been us. It coulda...it shoulda...but I know some fine Card fans and I'm glad for them none-the-less. It was fun while it lasted. .sigh. Shucky darn.

Job Search

I just got another email from the Austin Cancer Center who is keeping me "on-hold" about the chaplain position. This is going into the fourth week of waiting. Apparently they have another chaplain traveling to interview next week. He or she speaks Spanish fluently. Although she keeps saying that the Spanish isn't as important as the right chaplain, her actions state clearly that they are not going to give up until they find a Spanish speaking chaplain. I just wish they would have posted that in the add so I wouldn't have bothered.

I read an article last week about a study showing that folks who are fired over the age of 50 have an increased risk of stroke or heart-attack due to the bleak logistics of finding other employment. As if I needed anymore risk factors.

I applied for an "Information Rep" position at Lockheed Martin this morning. It sounds like something my experience and education could generalize to.

It's raining today in Austin. It's raining today in my heart, mind and soul.

I think I'll start reading "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry. It's a Pulitzer Prize-Winning novel and seems to be a favorite of many people. I heard the movie was good too. I'm glad I didn't see it...yet. It's a good thick novel which should keep my mind busy for a while.

Go, Tigers!

I am just so thrilled that The Tigers won the AL Pennant this year! I can't believe I missed it! It's not like I've been busy or anything! They are kickin' some butt in Detroit tonight in Game two of the World Series. I have such fond memories of going to EVERY single home game one year with Betty Burns. That same year I also flew to New York and watched my team beat the Yankees on their own turf. It was exciting. This makes me soooo homesick. As if the recent Autumn colors didn't do it already. Gone from MI for 27 years and I still miss is so much. I never thought I wouldn't go home again. :(

The Rolling Stones are playing right now too - at Zilker Park in Austin, TX. It's the place I call home today and it is a nice enough town. The live music capital of the world and very cool. It reminds me of Ann Arbor, MI in so many ways. Anyway, I didn't get tickets to see the Stones and that broke my heart. My daughter's best friend is there. She doesn't even know who the Rolling Stones *are* much less have an appreciation for their music. Although, I'm sure she'll enjoy the excitement of being there with a bunch of old hippies that are groovin' to the tunes.

I gotta watch my Tigers take it on through anyway. :)

Talking to a Squirrel

It's Saturday morning and I wouldn't know today from the last 21 days of unemployment. I feel like I'm going crazy. I was just outside on the back porch. Not a soul awake in the hood. I found myself talking, out-loud, to a squirrel who is chattering in the trees. I am losing it.

I signed the severance agreement so can't 'discuss' my firing anymore. At least I'll have enough money to pay the rent on the first of November. Then...who knows?

I need to find a need in my city and go fill-it. With the holidays coming up there will be ample opportunity to serve others. I'm such a social person and I feel myself just shrinking from the lonliness.

I feel a major pity-party comin' on and I don't want to go there. I must find a way to keep it together and survive this #&@ situation with grace and dignity.

Texas Work Commission

They just called me asking questions about my unemployment claim. Things I had already answered. They're supposedly still working on making a determination. My "employer" has not responded to their inquiries. HR told me they would not 'fight' a claim. Basically they *know* this was a wrongful firing. I just can't find an attorney willing to help me. Oh, wait. Sure there's a ton of them who will if I give them more money, up-front, than I could probably win in a court settlement. I could probably win a tidy sum, but I just don't know if I have the "fight" in me.

All I wanted to do was my job...providing ministry to dying people. All I did wrong was being a middle-aged female who didn't sufficiently 'entertain' the young, 20 something, blond- bubblehead as she did almost NOTHING at the office but play with water guns and remote control trucks. It's crazy what this girl is being allowed to get by with. No professionalism. No compassion for the mission. No sense of what a chaplain does and no concern about it.

Unemployment

SUCKS! Just went to HEB with some charity gift cards. I'm truly grateful for the food. However, I feel like I'm going to totally lose my mind. I'm feeling like selling just about everything I own so I can squeeze myself into a small apartment and just hybernate for the rest of my life.

BABY 'O BABY! Oh, great. My life just gets easier and easier all the time...NOT! It seems I'm going to be a grandmother. We're pretty sure that my daughter, Laura, is pregnant. She's 18 years old; has not graduated from highschool yet; and is not married, of course. My nappy-headed grandchild should be due on or about my daughter's father's birthday. Happy birthday, Grandpa. Won't *he* be thrilled to find out *this* peice of news.

God be with us.

Six Months Later

I know I'm losing my mind dribble by dribble. I did not even remember setting this blog up. Good grief.

Anyway. Life has changed. It always seems to do so fairly drastically from one six month period to the next. I am presently unemployed. Fired by a 20 something, bubblehead who wanted a cute, young, male chaplain to work with instead of this middle-aged woman. I wish I could ... oh, I don't know. Revenge wouldn't get my job back. :(

I'm really, really, really in a bad funk today. :(

Another Month another FU.

It's the first of the month again. Seems like they just keep comin' regardless of what anybody thinks, ya know? Just found out that my husband, in fact, DID leave me and the kids for his former wife. I suspected it all throughout the six years we were married. She kept calling and he would "get involved" in things having to do with her children (not his). I confronted her once and she obviously became more determined to "get-him-back" and she did just that. I should have fought the divorce and gotten a better settlement. He just walked away scott-clear. Ugh.

The Unfairness' in Life.

"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." ~Hubert Humphrey

Oh, Hubert. I don't know what inspired this quote, but it kind of speaks to my day. It's been a hard, emotional day. Spent the morning with my precious, handsome, smart, sweet 23 year old son at the eye doctor. He had to go through extensive testing for social security disability supplimental income. The doctor said some really stupid things to us. I know that even doctors don't know how to 'act' at such injustice in life. He was totally uncomfortable with this beautiful young man facing a life of blindness. I understand that. However, he's still my baby and the whole damn thing just absolutely breaks his heart and mine. I cried so hard once I dropped him off at home and went to work. Helpless. I feel completely and totally helpless to comfort him. I'd take the eye disease away from him in a heartbeat if only I could. He's furious with God. He's furious with life. He's just plain furious. My biggest prayer is that his anger will soon begin to mobilize him and not continue to be inner directed. To say again that life just isn't fair seems too feeble a statement.

Reflection on memory, time and place.

I feel somewhat better today. I'm not real sure what's wrong with me. It was good to see LM yesterday and yet...he didn't remember most of the history we have together. It made me feel very sad.

Today I recognize how precious each and every minute is and the fact that each moment is the only present reality that we truly have in this life. Things change so quickly inside and outside. People come and they go. Our own mindset is the only thing that really can make a difference in our happiness, success and opportunities.

I feel very grateful for my life even with it's ups and downs and all arounds. TBTG!

The Church and Me

Had a good meeting with my presbyterial representative this morning. It was good to see him. Although his health doesn't look good at all. He's pushing 80 now and has had heart attacks, strokes and now may have prostate cancer! He said he would do everything possible to help me get another church if that is what I want. I told him I'm happy as a hospice chaplain. My denomination is simply not ready for women in the pulpit. There's no point in my trying to bang my head against the same brick wall again.

Had a nice talk with my 23 year old son today who said that it is truly amazing what I've done. He says he was too young to really remember it all clearly, but recognizes that I accomplished nothing short of a miracle in getting my ordination in this branch of the church. He said he's proud of me for the work I do now in hospice and that I've transcended the church by being more about God than the church. There is a lot to what he says, but I still need the church as my authority to do ministry. It just hurts to be so close and yet so far away.

My faith is strong and I feel grateful for my work and the ministry that God has given to me. I know this life is about human existence and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my beliefs in things eternal. I also know it will all go by like a flash. It seems like only yesterday that I was the new kid on the block and LM (my breakfast mate) was the vibrant and present authority. Now he looks so old and beat down from the pressures of ministry. I'm probably better off not ever trying to serve as pastor of a church again and yet the thought just makes me want to weep.

...Lord make me an instrument...let me console rather than wish to be consoled...

TGIF and thoughts on HOSPICE

Not a very original title, but man am I glad it's Friday. It's been a long week of death, death, and more death. I suppose I'm "getting used" to doing hospice work in nursing homes, but I don't like it. They're like holding pens for the most part. I know there isn't much of an alternative sometimes and I did use one for my own mum, but I just wish there was another way that was available to most people.

I suspect they're getting somewhat better in general with the population aging. Mayhap we demand more? Mayhap we're coming to realize that the "Boomers" will be there soon and we'd better make improvements now? I dunno. Maybe this new paradigm, which I'm a part of, is the answer. Having hospice inside the facilities does add an extra layer of care, more eyes, more hands and more individualized attention. Maybe I'm actually a part of the answer. Now there's a comforting thought.

I wish my mom had been on hospice. I'm not even sure they had it in the area where she was back then. I didn't know about it anyway. Hopefully people are being educated about it. I'm being tasked for community education on the topic. I've already done some and have a lot on my upcoming schedule. I think I need to really think about it in terms of how to better design the right 'clips' of information for presentation to make a real difference. It is evolving as I speak. I need to get more involved in the community hospice sharing groups so I stay on the cutting edge.

My daughter got her drivers license this morning. She was very good about letting me give her guidance about the areas the first test-person downgraded her on. I'm proud of the way she is maturing.

I'm starting to get that old itch to go back to school again. I can either do an DMin or a PhD or even another Masters degree. After seminary was over I thought I'd NEVER want to go back again. I think the DMin would make the most sense. However, it's the 'where' I have to consider. I will not go back to the seminary from which I graduated. Austin Presbyterian Theological is an excellent seminary and I'm glad to have my degree from there. However, I was caught in the middle of some serious growing pains and my children and I were treated like DIRT while I was a student. The last time I went onto campus I came close to having a real live panic attack. I had to leave a workshop and haven't stepped back on campus since. There is always the Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest which is also excellent. They offer a Masters in Pastoral Counseling which might be very good for me to consider. That way I could take the state exams and hang a shingle if I wanted to. Menh. We'll see.

The Musings In Me

Oh, great. My daughter is reading my blog. So much for a place to rant. :(

Negative Nellie

I have a tension/sinus headache last night and this morning. It is indicative of the stress I'm feeling. My daughter is driving me nuts. I so cannot wait until she moves out.

Now I understand why everyone is moving to blogville. Freedom of speech. It looks like CK is pondering their use of editing somewhat. However, I do think the blogspot is probably the better way to go when the need to let loose and express oneself hits the fan.

Anyway, I'd so dearly love to be alone on the beach someplace with no kids, no boss, no co-workers, no bills, no housework, no laundry, no neighbors, no nothing. I need a vacation from my life. Seriously.

A Week Later

I've somewhat recovered from the gang-fight in my front yard last week. Trying very hard to forgive all involved and believe that we will live in peace from here on out.

"Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation."-- William H. Sheldon

That is profound to me. I honestly don't know if I will EVER be without reservations about anyone or anything. It seems to be a hardwire in my personality. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism I have created over time or if it's a maladjustment or what. Although, I do NOT have reservations about my calling. However, there have been times when I have wondered about regret - but not really "regret". It's more a thought of "what would my life be like had I not taken-up my calling?" and then there are moments when I've just looked heavenward and asked: "What were you thinking?"

A quote from the blog of DSNYDER:"You do what you do, and then you trust others to move beyond where you had the vision to go. I am grateful for talented, committed young people entering ministry."

What an awesome statement. Having gone into ordained ministry in my 40's I don't have the sense about what he is saying either way. I'm too old to be considered a young person entering ministry and I'm old enough to be fully aware of the burgeoning enthusiasm that my younger colleagues have over me. Hmmm, now that is truly food for my thinking.It's been a tough week for me due to the above moments in ministry. Let me explain. I have been so blatantly discriminated against by men in ministry (at the point that D is) that it has rather stunned me. Hmmm, dare I go on?

We have eight nursing facilities. There are about six male chaplains who have been serving them full-time for several years. Our companies are owned by men of faith and they take pride in providing on-site spiritual care to their residents. Well...when they decided to create a new paradigm in hospice care, by starting up their own hospice company, they originally thought that they would simply use the same chaplains that are in the facilities for the hospice part. It was not a workable idea given the logistical need for a chaplain to be present at certain points in the business of hospice. Trying to organize that would be like herding cats. So...they created a position for me.

The 'boys' were NOT happy when I was hired. For one thing - there went their opportunity to double-dip into pay for work they'd already be there providing anyway. For another reason there was confusion, on their part, as to what function I would have in general and specifically as to whether or not I would have authority over them given that the new company was a corporate "baby". I worked double duty trying to calm their ire and explain that we were just colleagues with the same populations to serve. I mean I worked hard to attempt healing and reconciliation. They would have NO part of it.

I was bold in telling them that I would appreciate an invitation to the weekly chaplain meetings. I was told point blank that I was not invited and that I needed to find a group of 'hospice' chaplains to meet with. They have gone out of their way - several times - to make me feel unwelcome and unwanted in their world.

We hired another chaplain to serve the Temple area and he happens to be a young man in his 30s. Now. He has been on board for two weeks. I spent the first week training him and then this week has been all about taking him to each facility to introduce him to all the key people including the chaplains. One of them dissed me so big that even this young man was shocked. He could see that it was directed at me and it was harsh. On Thursday he reported to me that he has been given small gifts of welcome AND the key to the facility chaplain offices with an invitation to make himself at home. He has been invited to the weekly group and welcomed to "the team" as well as invited to the monthly chaplain lunches!The young man giggled and stated it is a "gender thing" as if it was/is o.k.!! He announced to our group that he has no problem being a GOB (good ole' boy) and that we could just call him GOD!! He was kidding, of course, but I'm not laughing.

My mind is saying over and over that this is NOT about me...this is not about me......this is.....hurtful........this just plain bites.

Sunday Slug-fest

The day of rest and I did. Slept very late and enjoyed it. Had some odd dreams about eye glasses. I had about five pair and none of them seemed to help me see correctly. I was on some kind of special, congressional team of voters to decide something very important. There was a military captain who was my brother. He had no education and the concern was that he would make bad decisions about a particular peice of legislative regulation. No clue. Maybe I'm not seeing something that I need a better focus on? Tom T. was in the dream too and he was pissed about the issue. He and I were trying to go to dinner to talk about it and various family members, who had multiple birth children, were delaying us by handing me babies. There was a man who was driving us around town and it became clear that he was 'assigned' to keep watch on my movements until the committee met. I received a phone call from someone reminding me that I had to have my drivers license to identify myself when it came time to vote. They were concerned about my address and last name being up to date.

Dreams...the gateway to the unconsious. Maybe I'll use this blog as a dream journal among other things.

It's Sunday and I've not done my weekend chores. Need to mop floors and I definitely need to go for a good walk. I simply HAVE to get back onto the exercise routine.

Later: Just walked for ten minutes. It's better than nothing. Trying to walk off my adrenalyn. Apparently the boys two doors down are in the "Bloods" gang. My daughter's boyfriend is black. He was over this morning with two of his cousins and one of their girlfriends. One of the cousins was wearing a red dew-rag and a red tee-shirt. They went outside to get something out of their car and the gang down the street walked over and started yelling and throwing beer bottles at my kids. I tried to get them to leave, but they wouldn't. They jumped my daughter's boyfriend and his cousin. I ran into the house to call the police and the girlfriend tried to defend her boyfriend. The thugs punched her in the mouth and grabbed a stick and started beating her. They split her head wide open, blood everywhere. The police finally arrived after the boys drove away. I got their licence number and we filed a report. The girlfriend will be pressing charges. GREAT! Now I have to live here for three more months until my lease is up. SHIT!

Blog, blog, blog.

It's all I hear these days so here I am. My tip-toe into blogdom. I'm not sure how or why this is different than CK's blog to everyone, but perhaps I'll find out.

Today was totally unsuccessful in weight-lossville. I suck. I ate too much (double the calories I was supposed to have) and didn't move my butt at all. Oh, sure...a romp down the aisles of Walmart to buy a blender. Pushing the cart cannot be considered use of exercise equipment. I suck.

Son number two just arrived to do laundry so I'm logging off to visit with him. He is my laughter. I need some.