I should have never bought the small box of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. I always wondered what it tastes like and now I know. It's a small peice of heaven on earth. Ice cream is not something I usually buy and it made me realize I'm feeling a different kind of anxiety right now.
The people in the little church I'm serving through the holidays ALL chose to remove their masks yesterday! I was exausted once I finally got on the road to come home. Several of them needed to tell me their life stories with so much information...and I still don't even have everyone's names down pat. And then the little ole' power ladies took me to lunch and spent most of the time trying to fill me in on the former pastor's failings which gave me great insight into the dynamics of the group itself and I don't know that I'm right for them. The scary thing is that I think they want me. I must admit that I can preach and do lead worship with a special annointing. I love it. However, I am not strong when it comes to church politics and leading in the midst of dysfunction. Also, I'm worn out from the tiresome battles that occur from some of the men (and a few ladies) in the congregation who find it difficult to allow a woman to lead. I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain.
God, ...I believe with my whole heart that I am called to be a hospice chaplain. Please help me to find a position in that arena soon...if it be thy will. Amen.
Later Reflection: _______________________________________________________________
It's like I don't see the "switch" coming. In most things really. Let me try to put into words. I have preached off and on for this congregation for about two years. This last 'hire' I have now preached...about four Sundays with one off between the first and second and the third and fourth (yesterday). All of the preaching events have been pretty much the same. I go...I preach...someone takes me to lunch. it's all rather surface-like with positive smiles all around and polite distance. Then BOOM. Yesterday it appeared that they have accepted me as their regular pastor (which I'm not according to polity) and let down their guards and opened up.
Now, on one hand that is a good thing. It means they trust me and have respect for my gifts and talents. On the other hand - I didn't see it coming and why not?! What happened from Sunday before last to this Sunday that made the difference? I suppose parking lot conversation which is powerful. I know about that and in hind sight I always see it's influence on group-think. But I wasn't expecting to go there and all of a sudden feel "responsible" to a flock.
I think the way I'm going to approach this is as an interim pastor - come to heal what I can and make-way for the regular pastor to come later. This is usually the way things are 'named' in such situations, but the two presbyteries have not gotten involved, it seems. I know they have had someone from their presbytery come to moderate their session meetings twice, but yesterday they said they think they have "fallen through the cracks" and they can't do that.
Oh.
My mind just split into six other tracks of thinking which all involve politics from the larger church and it grips my stomach with fear and trembling. I don't think I can go there again... I'm not cut out for this. I can love them. I can serve them - I can proclaim the saving grace of Jesus Christ, but they're going to have to deal with their politics. I guess I saw that this "could" happen and it sounded exciting until it became reality. Now it's scary. Oh, dear...oh, dear. God...really...what were you thinking? Why me?
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"What are the politics?"
Oh. dear. What a good question. It's multi-layered.
Um. Well. According to polity - their local church session would have to approach their Presbytery and ask them to approve the relationship between the church and me. Then our relationship would have to be defined - "Interim", "pulpit supply" or "called pastor". Then I would have to go to my presbytery and request to serve outside the bounds of my presbytery which may or may not be approved since this is a PCUSA church and I am Cumberland Presbyterian. If it were approved by both sides - no problem - I'd be received into the PCUSA presbytery and go forward. If my presbytery required me to make a choice I'd have to/want to stay where I am and couldn't serve the Taylor church anymore and I need/want to do that right now.
Our church history has left some long standing "bad blood" between the two denominations. Long story short...Cumberlands broke off from the main Presbyterian church around the turn of last century due to the theological doctrine of predestination and the educational requirements of pastors. The churches came back together years later and joined their resources. Then they broke-off again and most of the properties went to the PCUSA church even when they were originally Cumberland built.
The PCUSA has little problem with us (other than an occasional looking down their noses) but Cumberlands are a proud (read stubborn) group of predominantly men who live in the past too much.
So. You have the basic structure of how all this 'should' or 'could' work. Then you have the dynamics that are not so easily defined. There are some in my denomination that would see my request as a desertion. Even though they have not been particularly helpful in terms of supporting my call to ministry at the local level and in fact, have been rather...punishing...?...because of the larger church being more ready to embrace women in ministry and my getting extra attention. They might see this as a way to get rid of me by passing me onto the PCUSA, but they might fight to keep me too as I seem to be seen as valuable to the administrative folk in TN.
It gets more complicated by the existence of what we call "Union Churches" here in Austin and San Antonio which are two congregations serving together and answering to both PCUSA presbytery and Cumberland Presbytery. I have attempted to serve these chruches at the presbyterial level in the past and have both been blocked as well as co-opted in my attempts to make progress toward better communications and helping to make the unions work. I spend a lot of time being co-opted and blocked by the younger men of our presbytery. The older fellows love me and protect me, but the younger ones see me as a threat. I'm the only female ever to serve a church in our presbytery so they're not real sure what to do with me for the most part.
Anyway...the man who has come to moderate the session of this little congregation happens to be one of the pastors of one of our union churches. He and I served together once during the installation of one of our pastors. He was the only PCUSA pastor there and I was the only female pastor there. The "men" didn't think I should be allowed to process all the way up to the sanctuary and I was asked to remain in the nave, on the front row, as the men went forward - which I quietly did so as not to disrupt the proceedings. The PCUSA pastor thought this barbaric (and me too, but I have a special tolerance for it) and he doesn't think too highly of Cumberlands because of it. Therefore, as their assigned moderator he has great influence into whether or not the local church would put my name forward to their presbytery which could bring up all kinds of history that I would just as soon not have to revisit. I prefer to quietly go about serving as best as I can and not make waves...even though I used to be a rebel in bluejeans. sigh. Anyway - I just don't know that I'm ready to go back into the ring, ya know?
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DSNYDER wrote:
Fascinating. I've heard of Cumberland Presby's, of course, but know little of the history. I'll have to read up.
Sounds like being a pioneer has been "interesting."
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Yes, it has been very interesting. Methinks it is the bulk of my call really. Not many women would put up with what I have. However, if you watch the black men in America serving regardless of the age old discrimination...and the certainty that they will not become accepted Presidents in their lifetime - it's not so uncommon. We do what we do regardless of consequences in hope that our tolerance and perseverance might pave the way for future generations when the time comes to fullness for humanity to behave more like Christians oughtta...if they ever do. It's about God and not about us though. God is faithful regardless and requires nothing less from each one of us. Like Jeremiah, I live with my despair knowing that God is still my rock and my foundation upon which I can stand securely despite the sufferings in this life. I guess staying with the Cumberlands is my way of "buying the land" in hopefulness for the future.
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>>"Yes, buy the land. Maybe your calling is to serve a church again, afterall."
and thus the Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey!
>>"I had a clergy friend years ago who had a sign in her office. It said: "To succeed women have to be twice a good as men. Fortunately this is not very hard."
LOL, I love it. Of course I keep such "knowledge" verrrry close to my own heart as "the boys" don't have much of a sense of humor regarding such things. I also like the one that says: "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History" and that one I 'might' be able to get away with...but I'm not going to try it anytime soon. Maybe in another decade or so...if I last that long.
