And life is new again...

My life seems to change a lot from one six month period to the next. I'm thinking I'll come back to this blog and do my journal work. Biggest change? Kamia Jade.

Body-for-LIFE

"Winning is not normal and those who constantly win follow an ‘abnormal’ path. The discipline, dedication and sacrifices are incomprehensible to those thousands standing outside, looking in, who are capable of joining the winning team, yet unwilling to pay the price of admission. Winners win in a fair effort, on a level playing field, because they deserve to win... they willingly pay their dues in full, time after time, after time." ~ author unknown - found on Body-for-LIFE website www.bodyforlife.com go to "success tips: then click on "weekly messages: and then click on: week 1. I did a google search and found one other reference, again stating author unknown.

Body-for-LIFE

Goals:

1. Within 12 weeks, I will lose 30 pounds of fat by an average of 2.5 lbs per week.

2. Within 12 weeks, I will gain muscle.

3. Within 12 weeks, I will build stamina.

4. Within 12 weeks, I will easily and positively change my lifestyle.

5. Within 12 weeks, I will increase my overall health.

Why?

When I look at myself in the mirror these days I do not like what I see. I see a middle aged, out-of-shape, FAT woman. I want to see a middle aged, in-shape, beautifully HOT woman! Deep down inside I still feel like the same woman I’ve always been, but I used to be thin and very attractive. I can sense the responses of people to my body shape now and it does not match the way I used to look. I guess it’s historical thinking gone wild. I’m no longer the thin Sharon I used to be and want to be again. I am confident, but I am not energetic nor physically strong. However, I do pride myself on being emotionally, mentally and spiritually strong, therefore, I have the tools I need to succeed in this endeavor. I know that I am absolutely on the right path in most areas of my life except for physical health. If I do not lose 40 pounds and increase my overall health, I am going to begin to suffer from heart disease related illnesses and die sooner than is necessary. I would like to create a brighter, healthier future. I would like to change my lifestyle into a healthier one. I want to look like I choose a healthy lifestyle by having a nice, attractive body to house my mind and soul. I want to become more attractive to men and to other people in general which I believe will increase my credibility and level of respect from others, but most importantly from ME, myself and I!

Finally, an update.

It's time to start living the life you've imagined. -- Henry James

John Lennon's "Imagine" just came to mind.
The life I imagined...? My, my but it turned out differently than I imagined. In some ways more spectacular than I had the capacity to imagine in my youth. In some ways disappointingly different than I'd always hoped. I never planned to raise my children alone, but I think I did o.k. anyway. I never planned to have a "career" or "vocation" with the honor of working within the lives of others the way I am privileged to do. Ah, well. I digress from diet and exercise.

I NEVER planned to be 35-40 lbs overweight! My tall, thin momma always caused me to assume that I'd look just like her my whole life. Of course she was flat-chested and I'm not and we always wondered where the bouzzies came from. Looking at photographs of my paternal grandmother with her D cups and 50-75 extra pounds should have told me something, but I wasn't listening.

So. I have the same choice I had when I originally signed onto CK. Lose it or weep. I've been so blessed to watch my buddy, Char, methodically go about losing her weight and have been amazed at some of the major (and minor) success stories on this site. So, what am "I" waiting for? This is my question. I keep putting it off until tomorrow. I keep realizing that stroke and/or heart-attack could hit at anytime and I do nothing to lose the extra baggage. Kicking myself does no good. Maybe as I continue to get older and routine becomes more comforting to me...it will happen. I dunno.

...and so I check my email and this is there:

Today's Daily Word - Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Let Go, Let God

God is bringing forth the new me who is emerging now.

God is the answer to every challenge in life. Whether a decision I am to make seems to be of greater or lesser importance, letting go and letting God is the surest way for me to make the right choice.

As I let go and let God be God in my life, I am declaring that I am not alone in making any decision or in taking any action. The very wisdom that created the universe is my guide. All that God is and all that God is capable of doing is here for me in every moment.

In letting go and letting God, I am releasing the thought that anything from the past can hold me back from living fully in the present. I let go of a belief in limitation and let God show me the unlimited potential that is within me. God is bringing forth the new me who is emerging now.

He trusts in God; let God deliver him now. ~ Matthew 27:43

The latter part of "Imagine" by: John Lennon
"....
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"
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Sunday. First Sunday in Lent. Started our lenten study and it went well. A few of the members who split off because of the previous pastor are starting to trickle back. The matrons were on their regular behavior today. Went to lunch and ate half a portion of chicken fried steak. It upset my intestines greatly.

Not much to report for once. Life is coasting at the moment and that is nice.
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6 p.m.Wow. Bunny, Vicki and Corrine you have helped me so much today. I've been working on getting my room cleaned and changed around to be more pleasing. So far I've cleaned spots off the carpet, vacumned, moved the bed! Brought up different tables to put my lamps on. Dust and waxed them. Going through paper stuff and throwing out lots of stuff. I'm about half way done...maybe more than that...and it feels so good. I've been working up a sweat too and therefore burning calories. My eating is a little better today too. I'm hoping the methodically continue through the whole house until it sparkles. One room at a time. Thanks youze guys!
I'm feelin' better.
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Monday morning and I'm awake at O Dark Hundred. Coffee is brewing. I'm thinking about a zillion things I need to accomplish today. I'm tired already and haven't even fully woken-up yet. I'm three pounds away from being right back where I started from when I first came to CK 18ish months ago. That doesn't make me very happy, but seems to be accurately indicative of the stress I'm under right now. I'd start drinking, but there's too many calories in alcohol and I'm fat enough. Today would have been my beloved older brother's 70th birthday! That just seems absolutely impossible. Yet, he was 17 years older than me and it's correct. My heart aches for his love and concern for me. I was his favorite sibling...his "baby" as it were. He was my hero. Oh, great. Now I'm tearing up. Maybe I just need to take some Benadryl and go back to bed.
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I am reminded of my time in CA when the kids were small. When we were a military family we seemed to always be placed close to folks of the Mormon faith. I am telling you those women have some awesome practices. There was a group of ladies who helped me out when all three of my kids were under the age of five. They had a routine of spending the day at a different house each day so that the kids could all play together while the moms cleaned each others homes! It was a vulnerable place to be, but made so much sense and made the work lickety split and FUN! I don't think I fully appreciated that back then. I do now. What a nice memory.
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Slept in my "new room" last night and it was...different. It looks right now...proper symmetry and all, but it 'felt' odd. I suppose it will be good once I get used to it. I'm finding myself wanting to get rid of so much stuff. I want to be ready to move to something smaller once the time comes. I don't want to be one of those little old ladies who has so much clutter around her that you're afraid to move. I'm thinking "less is more" and I know I feel so much better when there isn't clutter all around me.

I did well with my eating yesterday and the exercise took care of itself with all the room cleaning and moving. It was, all in all, a good enough day - all said and done. TBTG.
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10 p.m. Just back from hospital. Called in to pray with a family whose father's lungs collapsed today. He is totally alert and fully functioning except for his lungs. He does not want to continue on oxygen and is ready to die. His family is heart-broken to say the least. I prayed with them and talked about their using hospice in the days ahead. wow. Such a privilege my work is. I'm so grateful to be allowed to do what I do.
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5 p.m. I'm back on the streets looking for a part-time job. The hospice has had me on PRN status and I've not gotten any hours for the past two weeks. I simply have to work.

At least the church thing is going well; and I have a roof over our heads; and I'm still walking and talking...mostly...and I have my three beautiful kids and a grandbaby on-the-way to love...and my hair doesn't need to be dyed right now...and I have a quarter of a tank of gas...and we have a roof over our heads...and...
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HOT Diggity Dog! I sent out three resumes with cover letters this week and got a call today from one my favorite hospice nurses that I worked with in the past! She's now a Director of Clinical Services and it looks like I've got another JOB!!! YES! I suppose I'll go see her tomorrow and hopefully start on Monday! Woo Hoo! Thanks be to GOD! This one is called "Grace Hospice" and I'm liking the names better and better as I go along. Now. Hopefully this one will last! I can see settling down into a nice routine of hospice/hospital/church/home. With Sherrie at the helm I know she demands solid, traditional, quality spiritual care! YES! shar, doin' the happy dance at last! Woo Hoo!
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Oh, my. I just listened to my voice mail and one of the OTHER hospices called me today too and they want to talk to me asap! Oh, my. Apparently I'm in demand around these parts. How cool is THAT!!?! Oh, my.
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2:15 p.m. AWESOME! I had my official interview a couple hours ago and just got a call back from the director who offered me the job! I go to orientation on Tuesday morning! Yippie! Sadly there won't be too many hours at first, but...hopefully they'll grow. Something is better than nothing though and I plan to make myself indispensable.
3:45 p.m. Oh, man. This just keeps getting better and better. I just spoke to the lady at the other hospice and she sorta hired me over the phone! They are a tiny operation also so...between the two hospices I will have a whole part-time job! Does that math add up or what?!!
I am feeling so incredibly blessed right now. Oh, Bess...and several others...you never wavered for a minute in believing for me! o.k. now I'm gettin' all misty-eyed and stuff.
God is soooo good to me. I promise to be the best servant I can be to show my humble appreciation for these opportunities!! Who'da thunk that I was to trade one full-time job at an icky place for THREE part-time jobs...well, FOUR very part-time jobs with the hospital chaplaincy/on-call position too. Oh, my goodness. I am so blessed to be allowed to do EVERYTHING a minister is trained to do!! I will never be bored I can say that fer sure. Oh...I am so happy.
My momma must be wearin' a big ole smile right about now. Of course she'd ask me how I'm going to juggle all these jobs. The days I'm required to be here and there are equally shuffled from day to day of the week so I see no problem. I may need to carry my little calendar on my person at all times. Goodness, along with a pager and two cell-phones...but who cares. A box of chocolates...I'll never know what I'm gonna get.
2:00 p.m. Finished my sermon and it looks good. We're installing two new session elders tomorrow so I had to weave that into the message. It fit nicely. Put the kneeler into the back-seat for the candidates to kneel on for the laying on of hands. Put my nice rug in there too so I can put it into my office. That office is so huge. I've already taken a bunch of stuff up and it doesn't even make a dent in the space. I'll just keep taking it up. I want it to be a nice, peaceful, inspiring place. It's getting there. The people are excited about it. Apparently the last pastor or two didn't even use the office space! They worked from home...or didn't as the case seems. This is a deeply wounded community and the healing seems to be slowly beginning.

I just stopped at the Goodwill outlet store up the street. I've been passing it for nearly a year and meaning to stop and see what it's about. It's weird. Rows and rows of long tables containing plastic bins side-by-side that contain a mixture of stuff. Glass mixed with plastic mixed with books mixed with purses mixed with...you get the idea. I was walking around trying to discover how and why it 'works' for so many folk that were swarming the place when the big double doors opened and the workers pushed out a new long wooden cart of bins. About 25 people *attacked* the bins with a vengeance - pushing and shoving and throwing stuff. I just stood there with wide eyes and my mouth probably falling open . Folks were wearing gardening gloves to go through this crap. Anyway, I looked down and saw a copy of the 2003 edition of the CK calorie and fat counter for a quarter so I picked it up and quietly checked out. Looked like it could be a dangerous place. The Goodwill, not the cal/carb counter...but then again...
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6:30 a.m. oouu, weee...the wind is blowin' up a storm outside. Just took the doggie door panel out of the sliding glass door. Waaay too windy and a bit nippy. I LOVE IT! It's a tad early for a Sat. morn. but, hey. I've got so much to be excited about. I finally woke-up from having just some regular run-of-the-mill dreams. I recalled them as I was making coffee, but then I forgot. Ah, well. I think I'm getting used to the memory slips. Goodness, I'm growing-up. Greg's drivers lic expired last week on his BD. He doesn't look 24 so now he can't buy his own cigarettes. We stopped at the corner store and he handed me the money to go in and get them and for a second I thought about grabbing my OWN drivers lic...AS IF!! Just cracked myself right up!

Catching Up

Well, Lo's "Baby Daddy" has decided he doesn't want to stick around while Laura carries his child. He is going to drive back from East TX to pick-up his dog this week and then go back. I'm disgusted. Part of me wants to tell her that "when you lie down with dogs you get fleas." But the mother in me is heartbroken to see her heart broken like this. Her father just wrote to tell me that I need to convince her to go to WA to live with him because somehow this is my fault that she got pregnant. As if he was such a paragon of honor to his three kids and wife. Oyi. Life. It just keeps on happenin' doesn't it?

I have a stinkin' chest, nasal, head crud thing going on. I'm just glad I'm off work. Good timing. I'm hoping to sleep in and really rest in the morning...maybe it will clear up. I was supposed to go for my annual physical in the morning, but nobody will be going anywhere in the morning...in Austin, due to the Ice Storm. I paid the electric company, but as Staci said...there's a chance for irony if the ice knocks out our electricity when it's all said and done. They're dealing with that in South Austin right now. About 200 homes are without heat right now.

I just feel such an overall sense of inner peace and security (for the moment) with having my jobs. I'm so happy about them. So very grateful.

I plan to gym shop when I start getting paychecks again and this time I also plan to make sure to pad my savings account really well in case I ever get into this mess again. I just need to downsize my home and living and I should be good.

I found out today that the little ole church ladies call themselves "The Matrons" and that works. They weren't at church today!! They all use walkers or cains due to unsteady gait. Austin is under a severe weather watch/warning with a major ice storm predicted for ... now. It's sloppy and wet. They wisely decided to stay home and protect their fragile bones. Anyway, I met with the session (which isn't much younger). It went well. We settled on the amount to pay me and the hours I'll work and then I immediately got pulled into food bank duty this Friday which is not one of the days we negotiated. Ah well...momma told me there'd be days like this. No problem. I feel confident it will all work out. We all laid our cards on the table and I assured them that I will offend "The Matrons" again and again and they seemed o.k. with it...so forward we go...into the wild blue (or purple-haired) yonder.

Just finished my day of hospice. Three patients that are non-verbal and then one who lives in an assisted living facility and is a delight! We agreed that I'd come to see her once a week. She is only 11 years older than me. Lung cancer and COPD. Smoker. This one is gonna hurt cuz I already adore her. However, it will also be a meaningful journey.

Daughter not doing too well emotionally. Doesn't want to be pregnant...with Joey's child. She refuses the idea of giving the baby up for adoption. Joey doesn't want to be a partner or dad anymore. He's decided to stay in East TX with his family. She was hysterical in the middle of the night. I slept poorly as it was to mommy that she came. Had to talk about "her" being mommy now. She's not ready. She's still a baby herself. If only I'd locked her up in an ivory tower somewhere until she was 25.

and now for today's entry:

ZING! I'm wide awake at 4:30 a.m. and that just isn't like me. I'm sure it's the shot of cortisone the doc gave me yesterday. Plus, I slept a good part of the afternoon away yesterday too. I guess I was sicker than I realized given how crazy busy I've been with the new phjobs. I've been known to do that...be sick and not stop long enough to realize it until I'm down. I think I'm gonna feel a whole lot better by tomorrow.

I'm going to join the 24 hour fitness gym. I simply have to get moving and I'm not doing it. Although, I also like CURVES, but I get bored after a while there. I dunno what to do. I just have to do something. The new doc said that it was probably the estrogen I've been taking what has kept me alive these past 5-10 years given my family history of heart disease and my own high blood pressure. That's a comforting thought given the fact that I quit taking the estrogen three months ago due to the current guidelines for using HRT. .sigh. I "know" it's coming and I simply "have" to take off 30-40 pounds if I'm going to have a chance at delaying it a little bit. I'm just not ready yet...to die or be incapacitated. So. CK is not an option for me anymore if I want to live. ok? Lord, help me. My song for the day: "Give me just a little more time..."

Happy New Year! 2007

The ladies showed me my new office at the church yesterday. I nearly fell over. It's HUGE! I will rattle around in that room. Huge desk...love seat, end tables, big stuffed chair, several side chairs, bookcases all across the back wall; another desk behind the giant desk. The giant desk could even look small in this big room if it wasn't so prominently placed. I've never had anything to compare. I was amazed. Wow. I'm pretty sure there is room to square dance between the desk and the sitting area.

Attendance was a bit lower yesterday and that disappointed me. However, coming in during the Christmas holidays gave me the chance to see who calls it their church and that will help in building it back up...I pray. There is so much room in this church. It is old and beautiful with tons of great history. It simply needs an infusion of people. The area is about to become a bedroom community to the Austin/Round Rock area so...hopefully we will see some growth this year! That would be so cool.

I'm getting excited about the possibilities for so much in the coming year! It is grand to be alive.

Oh...did I mention that I'll have a secretary?! I've never had a secretary. Oh, great...now I'm teary-eyed. I think I'm a bit overwhelmed with joy. I'm wondering what my dear mum would have said about all this. I think it's probably a bit beyond her experience. She was so cute when I finally told her I was in seminary and going into ministry. She said: "Honey, you know we don't believe that women should be doing that, but I guess I must have done something right if you're willing to devote your life to serving God like that." Oh, yeah. My mom did a whole lotta right.

I have a list of chores to accomplish today and what am I doing? Sitting at the computer with this 4 lb. dog on my lap. This is my *last* day of "unemployment vacation" and I really need to get my wardrobe (such as it is) in order and clean this house. Reading some of the other blogs reminds me that I also need to take down Christmas decorations. Luckily we didn't put up too many this year.

Not sure when the presbyteries will get things settled for me to start getting paid. I sure hope it's soon. I went to lunch with the ladies yesterday after church. They're starting to let down their guard big time now. I'm starting to get a real sense of who and what I'll be working with. Looks to be some cat-fight power struggles between some of these grand dames. I saw some of their meanness toward one another in their eyes yesterday. Of course the one that first "courted" me gave me a ride back to my car and sweetly said: "I don't want to offend you by telling you what to do or anything, but you're going to need to...." (speak louder so that Miz C. can hear me better). The way she said it gave me the insight that I will be hearing those very words on a fairly regular basis. She nearly snapped off the head of the young waitress we had for a number of perceived failings. I had a glimpse of my own head being served up on a platter later on. Ah, the grind work begins...the part I do not like. Personal growth time for me again. I may need to get back into my family systems class - I've been out this past year thinking I'd not ever be back in a church again.