"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to." - N. Smith

I don't know who N. Smith is, but he/she is right. Being reactive is the surest way to lose my own control over my feelings, thoughts, words and the situation. My reality becomes whatever the situation dictates.

O.K. That was a nice bit of reflection for this morning. Now what do I do for the rest of the day? I can't imagine living like this...unemployed...with no direction, focus, purpose or meaning. I don't know how I was an airforce wife for 13 years without cracking up. I guess I stayed busy having and raising babies and going to school. Speaking of school. WHY didn't I get a degree in something that would make me more employable?! I'm too old to go back now...at least I think I am. Maybe I should check it out and see if my bachelors and masters degrees could translate to another profession in a short amount of time. There. I've found a worthy task.

The Church Lady

It's Sunday and I just woke-up. I woke at the crack of dawn, but figured with the time change I had extra time to snooze so I did. As if when and how long I snooze matters when I have *nothing* to hang my time to now that I'm unemployed. It's an absolutely georgeous day outside. I knew it would be last night as I sat out back and gazed at the abundance of stars in the sky.

I think I'm not as good at being self-differentiated as I'd thought I was becoming. I've just been noticing lately that some of the things I say are not what I want to have come out of me. For example - I had a great opportunity for restoring a non-relationship and what I said was..."all I ask that you do is...blah, blah, blah." As if I have a right to ask anything of anybody and especially *this* person!

I remember a lady from my childhood who used to drive me bananas. She was so bossy, controlling and pushy about what she thought was the right way for our family to do things. She saw my blind, widowed mother as someone incapable of running her own life or raising us kids well. I couldn't stand this woman! My mom got frustrated with her too, but kept telling me I should be more patient because "she means well" - my mom was a saint. Anyway - I'm seeing some of Mrs. R. in myself today and I don't like it. Not one bit. To think that I have "church lady" characteristics just makes my stomach turn.

What does the phrase uva uvam vivendo varia fit mean?

The Latin phrase that appears on the Hat Creek Cattle Company sign in "Lonesome Dove" is a garbled corruption, and there's no direct translation. It derives from the scholia to Juvenal 2.81 which cites the proverb "uva uvam videndo varia fit" This means something like "a grape changes color [i.e., ripens] when it sees [another] grape"
Novelist Larry McMurtry probably intentionally misused the Latin, perhaps to make a point about Augustus McCrae's tenuous understanding of the language.
From there, any number of interpretations have arisen to explain why McMurtry chose to communicate that particular idea. Probably the soundest theory is that the phrase serves as a metaphor for the group's journey, as many of the story's characters go through a process of personal maturation and development. Much like grapes ripen in the presence of others.

from: the Southwest Collections at Southwest Texas State University. [see link]http://www.library.txstate.edu/swwc/ld/ldex081a1.html

Hmm, well the story tells us that Gus chose it because he liked the way it looked and it 'fit' the space he had on his sign. He doesn't know the translation, but apparently McMurtry did when he used it. It seems quite apropos to the story and to life in general, eh? Don't we all "ripen" in the presence of others. Quite a statement in support of being in community. Of course we sometimes "sour" in the presence of others as well. .sigh.

Cardinals take it.

It coulda been us. It coulda...it shoulda...but I know some fine Card fans and I'm glad for them none-the-less. It was fun while it lasted. .sigh. Shucky darn.

Job Search

I just got another email from the Austin Cancer Center who is keeping me "on-hold" about the chaplain position. This is going into the fourth week of waiting. Apparently they have another chaplain traveling to interview next week. He or she speaks Spanish fluently. Although she keeps saying that the Spanish isn't as important as the right chaplain, her actions state clearly that they are not going to give up until they find a Spanish speaking chaplain. I just wish they would have posted that in the add so I wouldn't have bothered.

I read an article last week about a study showing that folks who are fired over the age of 50 have an increased risk of stroke or heart-attack due to the bleak logistics of finding other employment. As if I needed anymore risk factors.

I applied for an "Information Rep" position at Lockheed Martin this morning. It sounds like something my experience and education could generalize to.

It's raining today in Austin. It's raining today in my heart, mind and soul.

I think I'll start reading "Lonesome Dove" by Larry McMurtry. It's a Pulitzer Prize-Winning novel and seems to be a favorite of many people. I heard the movie was good too. I'm glad I didn't see it...yet. It's a good thick novel which should keep my mind busy for a while.

Go, Tigers!

I am just so thrilled that The Tigers won the AL Pennant this year! I can't believe I missed it! It's not like I've been busy or anything! They are kickin' some butt in Detroit tonight in Game two of the World Series. I have such fond memories of going to EVERY single home game one year with Betty Burns. That same year I also flew to New York and watched my team beat the Yankees on their own turf. It was exciting. This makes me soooo homesick. As if the recent Autumn colors didn't do it already. Gone from MI for 27 years and I still miss is so much. I never thought I wouldn't go home again. :(

The Rolling Stones are playing right now too - at Zilker Park in Austin, TX. It's the place I call home today and it is a nice enough town. The live music capital of the world and very cool. It reminds me of Ann Arbor, MI in so many ways. Anyway, I didn't get tickets to see the Stones and that broke my heart. My daughter's best friend is there. She doesn't even know who the Rolling Stones *are* much less have an appreciation for their music. Although, I'm sure she'll enjoy the excitement of being there with a bunch of old hippies that are groovin' to the tunes.

I gotta watch my Tigers take it on through anyway. :)

Talking to a Squirrel

It's Saturday morning and I wouldn't know today from the last 21 days of unemployment. I feel like I'm going crazy. I was just outside on the back porch. Not a soul awake in the hood. I found myself talking, out-loud, to a squirrel who is chattering in the trees. I am losing it.

I signed the severance agreement so can't 'discuss' my firing anymore. At least I'll have enough money to pay the rent on the first of November. Then...who knows?

I need to find a need in my city and go fill-it. With the holidays coming up there will be ample opportunity to serve others. I'm such a social person and I feel myself just shrinking from the lonliness.

I feel a major pity-party comin' on and I don't want to go there. I must find a way to keep it together and survive this #&@ situation with grace and dignity.

Texas Work Commission

They just called me asking questions about my unemployment claim. Things I had already answered. They're supposedly still working on making a determination. My "employer" has not responded to their inquiries. HR told me they would not 'fight' a claim. Basically they *know* this was a wrongful firing. I just can't find an attorney willing to help me. Oh, wait. Sure there's a ton of them who will if I give them more money, up-front, than I could probably win in a court settlement. I could probably win a tidy sum, but I just don't know if I have the "fight" in me.

All I wanted to do was my job...providing ministry to dying people. All I did wrong was being a middle-aged female who didn't sufficiently 'entertain' the young, 20 something, blond- bubblehead as she did almost NOTHING at the office but play with water guns and remote control trucks. It's crazy what this girl is being allowed to get by with. No professionalism. No compassion for the mission. No sense of what a chaplain does and no concern about it.

Unemployment

SUCKS! Just went to HEB with some charity gift cards. I'm truly grateful for the food. However, I feel like I'm going to totally lose my mind. I'm feeling like selling just about everything I own so I can squeeze myself into a small apartment and just hybernate for the rest of my life.

BABY 'O BABY! Oh, great. My life just gets easier and easier all the time...NOT! It seems I'm going to be a grandmother. We're pretty sure that my daughter, Laura, is pregnant. She's 18 years old; has not graduated from highschool yet; and is not married, of course. My nappy-headed grandchild should be due on or about my daughter's father's birthday. Happy birthday, Grandpa. Won't *he* be thrilled to find out *this* peice of news.

God be with us.

Six Months Later

I know I'm losing my mind dribble by dribble. I did not even remember setting this blog up. Good grief.

Anyway. Life has changed. It always seems to do so fairly drastically from one six month period to the next. I am presently unemployed. Fired by a 20 something, bubblehead who wanted a cute, young, male chaplain to work with instead of this middle-aged woman. I wish I could ... oh, I don't know. Revenge wouldn't get my job back. :(

I'm really, really, really in a bad funk today. :(