"Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left." ~Hubert Humphrey
Oh, Hubert. I don't know what inspired this quote, but it kind of speaks to my day. It's been a hard, emotional day. Spent the morning with my precious, handsome, smart, sweet 23 year old son at the eye doctor. He had to go through extensive testing for social security disability supplimental income. The doctor said some really stupid things to us. I know that even doctors don't know how to 'act' at such injustice in life. He was totally uncomfortable with this beautiful young man facing a life of blindness. I understand that. However, he's still my baby and the whole damn thing just absolutely breaks his heart and mine. I cried so hard once I dropped him off at home and went to work. Helpless. I feel completely and totally helpless to comfort him. I'd take the eye disease away from him in a heartbeat if only I could. He's furious with God. He's furious with life. He's just plain furious. My biggest prayer is that his anger will soon begin to mobilize him and not continue to be inner directed. To say again that life just isn't fair seems too feeble a statement.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Reflection on memory, time and place.
I feel somewhat better today. I'm not real sure what's wrong with me. It was good to see LM yesterday and yet...he didn't remember most of the history we have together. It made me feel very sad.
Today I recognize how precious each and every minute is and the fact that each moment is the only present reality that we truly have in this life. Things change so quickly inside and outside. People come and they go. Our own mindset is the only thing that really can make a difference in our happiness, success and opportunities.
I feel very grateful for my life even with it's ups and downs and all arounds. TBTG!
Today I recognize how precious each and every minute is and the fact that each moment is the only present reality that we truly have in this life. Things change so quickly inside and outside. People come and they go. Our own mindset is the only thing that really can make a difference in our happiness, success and opportunities.
I feel very grateful for my life even with it's ups and downs and all arounds. TBTG!
Saturday, April 08, 2006
The Church and Me
Had a good meeting with my presbyterial representative this morning. It was good to see him. Although his health doesn't look good at all. He's pushing 80 now and has had heart attacks, strokes and now may have prostate cancer! He said he would do everything possible to help me get another church if that is what I want. I told him I'm happy as a hospice chaplain. My denomination is simply not ready for women in the pulpit. There's no point in my trying to bang my head against the same brick wall again.
Had a nice talk with my 23 year old son today who said that it is truly amazing what I've done. He says he was too young to really remember it all clearly, but recognizes that I accomplished nothing short of a miracle in getting my ordination in this branch of the church. He said he's proud of me for the work I do now in hospice and that I've transcended the church by being more about God than the church. There is a lot to what he says, but I still need the church as my authority to do ministry. It just hurts to be so close and yet so far away.
My faith is strong and I feel grateful for my work and the ministry that God has given to me. I know this life is about human existence and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my beliefs in things eternal. I also know it will all go by like a flash. It seems like only yesterday that I was the new kid on the block and LM (my breakfast mate) was the vibrant and present authority. Now he looks so old and beat down from the pressures of ministry. I'm probably better off not ever trying to serve as pastor of a church again and yet the thought just makes me want to weep.
...Lord make me an instrument...let me console rather than wish to be consoled...
Had a nice talk with my 23 year old son today who said that it is truly amazing what I've done. He says he was too young to really remember it all clearly, but recognizes that I accomplished nothing short of a miracle in getting my ordination in this branch of the church. He said he's proud of me for the work I do now in hospice and that I've transcended the church by being more about God than the church. There is a lot to what he says, but I still need the church as my authority to do ministry. It just hurts to be so close and yet so far away.
My faith is strong and I feel grateful for my work and the ministry that God has given to me. I know this life is about human existence and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to share my beliefs in things eternal. I also know it will all go by like a flash. It seems like only yesterday that I was the new kid on the block and LM (my breakfast mate) was the vibrant and present authority. Now he looks so old and beat down from the pressures of ministry. I'm probably better off not ever trying to serve as pastor of a church again and yet the thought just makes me want to weep.
...Lord make me an instrument...let me console rather than wish to be consoled...
Friday, April 07, 2006
TGIF and thoughts on HOSPICE
Not a very original title, but man am I glad it's Friday. It's been a long week of death, death, and more death. I suppose I'm "getting used" to doing hospice work in nursing homes, but I don't like it. They're like holding pens for the most part. I know there isn't much of an alternative sometimes and I did use one for my own mum, but I just wish there was another way that was available to most people.
I suspect they're getting somewhat better in general with the population aging. Mayhap we demand more? Mayhap we're coming to realize that the "Boomers" will be there soon and we'd better make improvements now? I dunno. Maybe this new paradigm, which I'm a part of, is the answer. Having hospice inside the facilities does add an extra layer of care, more eyes, more hands and more individualized attention. Maybe I'm actually a part of the answer. Now there's a comforting thought.
I wish my mom had been on hospice. I'm not even sure they had it in the area where she was back then. I didn't know about it anyway. Hopefully people are being educated about it. I'm being tasked for community education on the topic. I've already done some and have a lot on my upcoming schedule. I think I need to really think about it in terms of how to better design the right 'clips' of information for presentation to make a real difference. It is evolving as I speak. I need to get more involved in the community hospice sharing groups so I stay on the cutting edge.
My daughter got her drivers license this morning. She was very good about letting me give her guidance about the areas the first test-person downgraded her on. I'm proud of the way she is maturing.
I'm starting to get that old itch to go back to school again. I can either do an DMin or a PhD or even another Masters degree. After seminary was over I thought I'd NEVER want to go back again. I think the DMin would make the most sense. However, it's the 'where' I have to consider. I will not go back to the seminary from which I graduated. Austin Presbyterian Theological is an excellent seminary and I'm glad to have my degree from there. However, I was caught in the middle of some serious growing pains and my children and I were treated like DIRT while I was a student. The last time I went onto campus I came close to having a real live panic attack. I had to leave a workshop and haven't stepped back on campus since. There is always the Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest which is also excellent. They offer a Masters in Pastoral Counseling which might be very good for me to consider. That way I could take the state exams and hang a shingle if I wanted to. Menh. We'll see.
I suspect they're getting somewhat better in general with the population aging. Mayhap we demand more? Mayhap we're coming to realize that the "Boomers" will be there soon and we'd better make improvements now? I dunno. Maybe this new paradigm, which I'm a part of, is the answer. Having hospice inside the facilities does add an extra layer of care, more eyes, more hands and more individualized attention. Maybe I'm actually a part of the answer. Now there's a comforting thought.
I wish my mom had been on hospice. I'm not even sure they had it in the area where she was back then. I didn't know about it anyway. Hopefully people are being educated about it. I'm being tasked for community education on the topic. I've already done some and have a lot on my upcoming schedule. I think I need to really think about it in terms of how to better design the right 'clips' of information for presentation to make a real difference. It is evolving as I speak. I need to get more involved in the community hospice sharing groups so I stay on the cutting edge.
My daughter got her drivers license this morning. She was very good about letting me give her guidance about the areas the first test-person downgraded her on. I'm proud of the way she is maturing.
I'm starting to get that old itch to go back to school again. I can either do an DMin or a PhD or even another Masters degree. After seminary was over I thought I'd NEVER want to go back again. I think the DMin would make the most sense. However, it's the 'where' I have to consider. I will not go back to the seminary from which I graduated. Austin Presbyterian Theological is an excellent seminary and I'm glad to have my degree from there. However, I was caught in the middle of some serious growing pains and my children and I were treated like DIRT while I was a student. The last time I went onto campus I came close to having a real live panic attack. I had to leave a workshop and haven't stepped back on campus since. There is always the Episcopal Seminary of the Southwest which is also excellent. They offer a Masters in Pastoral Counseling which might be very good for me to consider. That way I could take the state exams and hang a shingle if I wanted to. Menh. We'll see.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Negative Nellie
I have a tension/sinus headache last night and this morning. It is indicative of the stress I'm feeling. My daughter is driving me nuts. I so cannot wait until she moves out.
Now I understand why everyone is moving to blogville. Freedom of speech. It looks like CK is pondering their use of editing somewhat. However, I do think the blogspot is probably the better way to go when the need to let loose and express oneself hits the fan.
Anyway, I'd so dearly love to be alone on the beach someplace with no kids, no boss, no co-workers, no bills, no housework, no laundry, no neighbors, no nothing. I need a vacation from my life. Seriously.
Now I understand why everyone is moving to blogville. Freedom of speech. It looks like CK is pondering their use of editing somewhat. However, I do think the blogspot is probably the better way to go when the need to let loose and express oneself hits the fan.
Anyway, I'd so dearly love to be alone on the beach someplace with no kids, no boss, no co-workers, no bills, no housework, no laundry, no neighbors, no nothing. I need a vacation from my life. Seriously.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
A Week Later
I've somewhat recovered from the gang-fight in my front yard last week. Trying very hard to forgive all involved and believe that we will live in peace from here on out.
"Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation."-- William H. Sheldon
That is profound to me. I honestly don't know if I will EVER be without reservations about anyone or anything. It seems to be a hardwire in my personality. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism I have created over time or if it's a maladjustment or what. Although, I do NOT have reservations about my calling. However, there have been times when I have wondered about regret - but not really "regret". It's more a thought of "what would my life be like had I not taken-up my calling?" and then there are moments when I've just looked heavenward and asked: "What were you thinking?"
A quote from the blog of DSNYDER:"You do what you do, and then you trust others to move beyond where you had the vision to go. I am grateful for talented, committed young people entering ministry."
What an awesome statement. Having gone into ordained ministry in my 40's I don't have the sense about what he is saying either way. I'm too old to be considered a young person entering ministry and I'm old enough to be fully aware of the burgeoning enthusiasm that my younger colleagues have over me. Hmmm, now that is truly food for my thinking.It's been a tough week for me due to the above moments in ministry. Let me explain. I have been so blatantly discriminated against by men in ministry (at the point that D is) that it has rather stunned me. Hmmm, dare I go on?
We have eight nursing facilities. There are about six male chaplains who have been serving them full-time for several years. Our companies are owned by men of faith and they take pride in providing on-site spiritual care to their residents. Well...when they decided to create a new paradigm in hospice care, by starting up their own hospice company, they originally thought that they would simply use the same chaplains that are in the facilities for the hospice part. It was not a workable idea given the logistical need for a chaplain to be present at certain points in the business of hospice. Trying to organize that would be like herding cats. So...they created a position for me.
The 'boys' were NOT happy when I was hired. For one thing - there went their opportunity to double-dip into pay for work they'd already be there providing anyway. For another reason there was confusion, on their part, as to what function I would have in general and specifically as to whether or not I would have authority over them given that the new company was a corporate "baby". I worked double duty trying to calm their ire and explain that we were just colleagues with the same populations to serve. I mean I worked hard to attempt healing and reconciliation. They would have NO part of it.
I was bold in telling them that I would appreciate an invitation to the weekly chaplain meetings. I was told point blank that I was not invited and that I needed to find a group of 'hospice' chaplains to meet with. They have gone out of their way - several times - to make me feel unwelcome and unwanted in their world.
We hired another chaplain to serve the Temple area and he happens to be a young man in his 30s. Now. He has been on board for two weeks. I spent the first week training him and then this week has been all about taking him to each facility to introduce him to all the key people including the chaplains. One of them dissed me so big that even this young man was shocked. He could see that it was directed at me and it was harsh. On Thursday he reported to me that he has been given small gifts of welcome AND the key to the facility chaplain offices with an invitation to make himself at home. He has been invited to the weekly group and welcomed to "the team" as well as invited to the monthly chaplain lunches!The young man giggled and stated it is a "gender thing" as if it was/is o.k.!! He announced to our group that he has no problem being a GOB (good ole' boy) and that we could just call him GOD!! He was kidding, of course, but I'm not laughing.
My mind is saying over and over that this is NOT about me...this is not about me......this is.....hurtful........this just plain bites.
"Happiness is essentially a state of going somewhere, wholeheartedly, one-directionally, without regret or reservation."-- William H. Sheldon
That is profound to me. I honestly don't know if I will EVER be without reservations about anyone or anything. It seems to be a hardwire in my personality. I don't know if it's a defense mechanism I have created over time or if it's a maladjustment or what. Although, I do NOT have reservations about my calling. However, there have been times when I have wondered about regret - but not really "regret". It's more a thought of "what would my life be like had I not taken-up my calling?" and then there are moments when I've just looked heavenward and asked: "What were you thinking?"
A quote from the blog of DSNYDER:"You do what you do, and then you trust others to move beyond where you had the vision to go. I am grateful for talented, committed young people entering ministry."
What an awesome statement. Having gone into ordained ministry in my 40's I don't have the sense about what he is saying either way. I'm too old to be considered a young person entering ministry and I'm old enough to be fully aware of the burgeoning enthusiasm that my younger colleagues have over me. Hmmm, now that is truly food for my thinking.It's been a tough week for me due to the above moments in ministry. Let me explain. I have been so blatantly discriminated against by men in ministry (at the point that D is) that it has rather stunned me. Hmmm, dare I go on?
We have eight nursing facilities. There are about six male chaplains who have been serving them full-time for several years. Our companies are owned by men of faith and they take pride in providing on-site spiritual care to their residents. Well...when they decided to create a new paradigm in hospice care, by starting up their own hospice company, they originally thought that they would simply use the same chaplains that are in the facilities for the hospice part. It was not a workable idea given the logistical need for a chaplain to be present at certain points in the business of hospice. Trying to organize that would be like herding cats. So...they created a position for me.
The 'boys' were NOT happy when I was hired. For one thing - there went their opportunity to double-dip into pay for work they'd already be there providing anyway. For another reason there was confusion, on their part, as to what function I would have in general and specifically as to whether or not I would have authority over them given that the new company was a corporate "baby". I worked double duty trying to calm their ire and explain that we were just colleagues with the same populations to serve. I mean I worked hard to attempt healing and reconciliation. They would have NO part of it.
I was bold in telling them that I would appreciate an invitation to the weekly chaplain meetings. I was told point blank that I was not invited and that I needed to find a group of 'hospice' chaplains to meet with. They have gone out of their way - several times - to make me feel unwelcome and unwanted in their world.
We hired another chaplain to serve the Temple area and he happens to be a young man in his 30s. Now. He has been on board for two weeks. I spent the first week training him and then this week has been all about taking him to each facility to introduce him to all the key people including the chaplains. One of them dissed me so big that even this young man was shocked. He could see that it was directed at me and it was harsh. On Thursday he reported to me that he has been given small gifts of welcome AND the key to the facility chaplain offices with an invitation to make himself at home. He has been invited to the weekly group and welcomed to "the team" as well as invited to the monthly chaplain lunches!The young man giggled and stated it is a "gender thing" as if it was/is o.k.!! He announced to our group that he has no problem being a GOB (good ole' boy) and that we could just call him GOD!! He was kidding, of course, but I'm not laughing.
My mind is saying over and over that this is NOT about me...this is not about me......this is.....hurtful........this just plain bites.
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